Flash fiction

as the days contract, leaking inky night into the cold evenings, we need more music.

And there’s a final Bandcamp this year, on December 5th, so here’s what I think you should get.

AVTT/PTTN is The Avett Brothers (American folk-rock) with Mike Patton (Faith No More, Fantomas, Mr Bungle, etc.). And that’s exactly what you get: Mike Patton doing things to rock songs. Sold, but I still want that next Fantomas album, please.

Next!

There’s something very wrong with a world where the Sleaford Mods can sell out arenas – but I like it. This is bitter electronic post-punk, with anger and dark humour bubbling through the lyrics. The first single from the new album features Gwendoline Christie – that’s Brienne of Tarth to you and me- on guest vocals, so you’ll want that.

Next!

They made us wait 25 years for new music, and there’s more already. Prolapse’s new single is one great new song, one excellent remix. Sold!

Next!

HaywardxDälek. Dälek makes heavy metal hip-hop and Charles Hayward was the drummer from 70s English experimental rock band This Heat. This is going to wreck the dog’s head when he hears it. Not the cat, though. She’s chill. She’ll get it.

Next!

Comacozer’s new release, a split with Congulus, will calm the dog down with all the chilled-out, over-fuzzed, space-tripping amp worship he needs.

Next!

Black metal is where most of the interesting new stuff is happening these days. Case in point: Agriculture. This is “ecstatic black metal,” and it’s astonishing. Well worth the effort of getting your head around. Think Deafheaven, but more emotional and unpredictable.

So.

Definitely something in there for everyone 😉

I’ll give you some book and film recommendations on Saturday to make it up to you, okay?

Chat soon,

Morgan

Read more – and get two free ebooks – here: https://morgandelaney.info/newsletter.

do you remember when Twin Peaks first ran on television?

I was in school, and everyone talked about it.

Except for me. I didn’t get it and gave up after the first season.

Well, we’re trying again, and things have changed.

I’m no longer that callow, ignorant youth.

I’m older. More experienced.

Allowed to wear long trousers.

And I still don’t get it.

Which doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying it. I have found a way.

So, in case you’re in a similar position, here are my three top tips for coping with Twin Peaks.

1. Tell yourself it’s from Finland. You’ll find the weirdness —whether that’s the strange colours, the Log Lady, or Agent Cooper’s mad enthusiasm for coffee and pie —suddenly makes sense if you think, “Yes, but it’s probably like that in Finland.”
2. Whenever the Twin Peaks’ theme song plays – which is a lot – play Hale and Pace’s “Nest in t’Dormer” in your head instead. Hale and Pace were a comedy duo from the 80s and 90s, and this song has been stuck in my head ever since I first heard it. Waiting for its moment. It’s basically “Nessun Dorma” sung by pigeon fanciers from Northern England. I couldn’t find the full sketch, but there’s an excerpt here, about 1 minute 40 seconds in. It fits surprisingly well.
3. Skip Twin Peaks altogether. Things make a hell of a lot more sense when a dead girl’s body is discovered missing in Dublin’s Bullskellig Graveyard.

Buy A Grave & Dreadful Business now and you’ll have time to “Finnish” it before I find out what happened to Laura Palmer.

I do find out what happened to her, don’t I?

Chat soon,

Morgan

Read more - and get two free ebooks - here: morgandelaney.info/newsletter.

I knew I was special while still a child.

Eating spoonfuls of Marmite is probably what gave it away.

Do you know Marmite?

Australians have a similar thing called Vegemite, if that helps?

Okay, look. Imagine soya sauce.

Now imagine someone dumped enough yeast into soya sauce to make it thick and sludgy – mmm, thick and sludgy!

That’s Marmite.

Don’t get me wrong, I ate other things as a child.

Cheese sandwiches.

Tomato sandwiches.

Er, cheese and tomato sandwiches.

But those were meals.

If I wanted a snack, I grabbed my trusty spoon and dipped it into the Marmite.

Pull out a thick, sludgy glob and start licking like it was a lollipop for naughty children specially designed by Willy Wonka.

Despite the ridiculous amount of salt burning my mouth.

Like I said, special.

Still, I enjoyed it, though many people wouldn’t.

What I’m trying to say is that today’s flash fiction story video might be considered a spoonful of Marmite.

Some people will enjoy it.

Some won’t.

But it made me laugh, so here you go.

It’s well known that in a threesome, someone always gets hurt.

Watch “Already Decided” on YouTube here to learn why!

Chat soon,

Morgan

Read more - and get two free ebooks - here: morgandelaney.info/newsletter.

I’m a sucker for great names, and today I’ve got one of the best.

There’s a German guy here in Georgia selling wine.

And his name is:

Hilarius Pütz.

Go look up Hilarius Pütz Wines. I know you don’t believe me.

See?

Hilarius is the name of a 5th century pope, as well as the 4th century bishop nicknamed the Arian Hammer.

From the Greek for “cheerful”.

A popular male name during the Middle Ages, since the 20th century eclipsed in popularity by the female version, Hilary.

I can’t be as certain about Pütz.

The internet tells me with complete certainty that it originates in Saxony, Bavaria and Prussia. It may refer to cleanliness, puddles or ornamentation, depending on the website.

The use of putz as an insult in the US, probably comes from the German word for cleaning or ornamentation, suggesting a useless person.

Someone with no skills beyond hanging around looking decorative.

Except for when it comes from the Yiddish putz, which is a lot ruder and need not concern us here.

So there.

Yes, Morgan, but what about the wine?

Ah.

You got me.

I don’t know.

Yet.

On the website you can buy it in standard bottles, but Nadine – Woman of the Year. Again. – got it the proper Georgian way:

filled into a five-litre plastic drum.

So that’s the weekend sorted.

I’ll let you know next week whether I recommend it.

If I remember.

In the meantime, I definitely recommend Nadia Bulkin’s Issues with Authority if you’re looking for a clever horror read, or Bob Mortimer’s Hotel Avocado if you’re looking for something more whimsical.

Check out my Goodreads’ reviews for Issues with Authority and Hotel Avocado now!

Chat soon!

Morgan

Read more - and get two free ebooks - here: morgandelaney.info/newsletter.

My uncle was the joker in the family, and he had 2 favourite jokes.

One was about a dog in the Wild West searching for the man who shot his paw.

The other was to pretend outrage whenever he saw an ad for “DC Exhausts.”

There were a surprising number of these ads in Dublin, usually on the backs of buses.

My uncle’s initials were DC, so he enjoyed pretending it was a public service announcement warning that he, DC – my uncle – made people tired.

Rather than it being an ad for car parts.

He lived in the US for a few years, and I’m convinced he returned to Ireland because he missed his joke.

In the States, the ad would be for “DC Tailpipes”, which isn’t the same.

I never understood Dublin’s fascination with exhausts.

I’ve moved around a lot, and have never seen another city advertise them so intensely.

And out of respect for my uncle’s joke, I’ve never looked into it either.

The truth couldn’t live up to my uncle’s mock indignation which served as the punchline for that beloved, ridiculous joke.

Even now, the back of a bus reminds me of DC Exhausts and my uncle.

We’re like that, aren’t we?

We connect a place, or phrase – or automobile part – with someone, and it always reminds us of them.

That’s certainly the case in my new video.

In this week’s flash fiction video, it’s a particular smell.

Come find out why a pleasant hint of bleach hangs over everything in “Little Ducklings” on YouTube now!

(FYI, this one’s a bit darker.)

Chat soon,
Morgan

Read more - and get two free ebooks - here: morgandelaney.info/newsletter.

Hey there,

Instead of writing, I was procrastinating with a newspaper article on interior design.

Then I wasn’t procrastinating, because I had my story.

Seven Secrets Interior Designers Don’t Want You To Know:

1. Interior design is all about lamps. You can replace an interior designer with a truckload of fancy lamps.

Bear in mind, though, lamps are for ambiance, not lighting.

Only use bulbs that provide about as much light as a hot carrot.

2. All interior designers want to tell you about their “Uncle Jeremy.”

Standard opening gambits include:

• that time Uncle Jeremy was a horse;
• you won’t believe what Uncle Jeremy found in Zsa Zsa Gabor’s kitchen in the 80s, and
• he’s retired now, but this space is so interesting, I’m sure he’d look at it for free, if you’d like?

But he is not their uncle.

He is their sire.

3. They didn’t want to be interior designers. Uncle Jeremy insisted. They wanted to be artists. Hence the tasteless nude statues.

At night, in the dim orange light of a hundred lamps, the statues shine with a feverish, bloated glow.

4. Interior designers will get rid of your practical storage space to make room for more dim lamps.

You therefore have nowhere to hide the awful statues, your vacuum cleaner, and the plastic bags you keep accumulating despite your solemn promise to Save the Planet.

5. Thank God you said that; I thought I must be going mad. The downstairs bathroom really is gone, isn’t it? I mean it can’t be, they must have just hidden the door behind some curtains or something. What about behind that big Triffid-looking lamp?

Let me check there… ouch!

Can’t we just have one proper light? For emergencies?

We’ll never find the toilet—or the cat—like this.

6. You know who can see in the dark?

Uncle Jeremy.

He sees everything as he crawls over the ceiling above your head in the hot carrot darkness.

7. Though mocked as being bland or boring, neutral colours have a wonderfully calming effect on victims.

This improves the taste of their flesh.

END

Back in 18th century Dublin, interior design just meant making sure there was less rain inside the house than outside.

That, and having somewhere to hide when the Fairy Queen came to visit.

In case she turned up hungry…

See what’s on the menu in A Grave & Dreadful Business here!

Chat soon!
Morgan

Read more - and get two free ebooks - here: morgandelaney.info/newsletter.