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Flash fiction
10 Times “Mad” Science Almost Got It Right
I’m trying to keep these newsletters as short as possible while I power through NaNoWriMo, but this edition is still packed with cheese and mad hair (above), mad science in the main feature, and mad ads, dolls and music in the roundup at the end.
Killer List: 10 Times “Mad” Science Almost Got It Right
1. We all know that, according to chaos theory, if a butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil, it can cause a tornado in Texas, right?
Not quite. It turns out it was Bolsonaro chopping down the Amazon which was destroying weather around the world.
2. Time travel favourite: is it even possible to travel back in time without sleeping with your mother, and accidentally becoming your own father?
It turns out it is! Everything was better in those days, including the men.
You don’t stand a chance with your mom, snowflake!
3. Travelling to distant galaxies sounds great. Hibernating (sleeping!) until you arrive sounds brilliant. But robots still haven’t learned how to pour coffee between the lips of a sleeping human, so how are you going to wake up?
4. So how about zipping down a handy wormhole to go straight where you need to be?
You could do that, but it turns out wormholes will also send you back in time. This means you are now irresistibly attracted to your mother and therefore unable to concentrate on the important task the government selected you to do.
You pine away on a distance star and humanity goes extinct.
5. Bringing the dead back to life with a jolt of electricity?
Yes, you absolutely can do this.
The only problem is that the electricity will also fry you, meaning you’ll smell like bacon for as long as you continue to “live.”
In real life, Frankenstein’s monster would have been eaten by the villagers. Everyone loves bacon!
6. Live forever!
Sure, just listen to Aubrey de Grey on the subject.
Science fiction authors—a gloomy bunch—will try to convince you that you will get bored after the first few hundred years.
Empirical research, however, suggests this is simply not true: the 100th time you eat a bucket of KFC fried chicken is just as delicious as the first time.
Assuming, of course, that you are not eating only KFC fried chicken. If you are, even mad science cannot help you live forever.
7. Going forward in time?
Yes, but take another look at number 2 on this list.
That boy who finds you inexplicably irresistible?
Yep, that’s your son/grandson/ great grandson. Don’t do it!
8. The quantum Zeno effect says that measuring the state of a system (for example, whether a particle has a charge) frequently enough can prevent the system from changing state.
Almost! What’s actually happening here is a function of Zeno’s arrow paradox.
Let us examine this paradox by substituting a thirsty author for the arrow, and a cup of tea as the arrow’s destination.
In order for the author to get from their computer to the kettle where their tea is waiting (bag in), the author must first cross a distance equal to half the distance between the computer to the kettle.
After this, they cross the other half. So much so obvious.
But wait!
Before the author can reach the point halfway to the kettle, they must logically cross a distance equal to half the distance to the halfway point (a quarter of the way to the kettle), but first they need to cross a distance equal to half the distance of the halfway point of the first half of the (increasingly tedious) journey to the kettle, and so on.
Logically, every distance comprises two “half-distances”, and that includes each “half-distance”, so there are an infinite number of them.
Obviously, it takes a certain amount of time for the author to cross each and every distance, so it must therefore take the author an infinite amount of time to get to the kettle.
By which time the tea will have gone cold.
Bearing this in mind, it’s now obvious what is happening when quantum physicists attempt to “freeze” states through constant measurement.
All they’ve really done is foolishly lock themselves into a cycle of observing “halfway” measurement points.
The system will change… as soon as the last of the infinite measurements has been completed.
Don’t wait up!
*Quantum physicists like to call particles “systems”, and charges “states” because it sounds more impressive.
9. Nothing can go faster than the speed of light… except for light!
Think about it. Light is the fastest thing in the universe. But it still takes light from the sun a certain amount of time to reach the Earth, for example (roughly 8 minutes and 19 seconds). That’s how long it took last year and the year before that, too.
Yet the universe keeps expanding. Therefore, this year’s light must be moving faster than last year’s light.
Take that, fundamental law of physics!
10. Evil clones.
No. You use up finite resources with every breath. You burp, fart, and your armpits smell.
Plus, remember that time you said something that you knew would hurt people’s feelings?
So, if you’re now thinking “this world needs more of me!” then don’t blame the clone.
You’re the evil one.
What I Discovered This Week
Watch!
Jim Henson made ads in the 1950s. There’s almost 15 minutes of them collected here. I guarantee you will not want to try Wilkins Coffee after watching these! Weirdly brutal.
Read!
About the girl who adopted a terrifying creepy doll! This will make you go “aww!” and then wonder if she’s going to be okay…
Listen!
Leeds noise terrorists, Thank, have just brought out a live album! If you thought they made a shocking amount of irritating noise when they went into the studio, check out the live version here!
(Excerpted from my newsletter dated 19th November, 2022. Sign up for the full, up-to-date experience!)
10 Warning Signs Your Neighbours Are Serial Killers
I’ve written 27,989 of the 50,000 words I need to complete NaNoWriMo.
I’m pretty pleased with the way it’s going so far: silliness abounds!
(It’s an Alumière story, so that’s good.)
The only other thing that happened recently, is that the batteries for our doorbell ran out this week. We should replace them.
We should…
Speaking of which, please heed this week’s important safety tips on what to do if someone comes to visit you.
Below that, a controversial claim about cheese.
Tuck in!
Killer List: 10 Warning Signs Your Neighbours Are Serial Killers
- You love your new neighbours, they’re so friendly. Your friends don’t love them. They think they’re “off.” Mind you, your friends hardly ever visit anymore, so who’s really “off” now?
- You couldn’t say for sure, but perhaps there were fewer “lost dog” or “have you seen my cat?” posters in the neighbourhood before they moved in. But who has time to worry about pets, with all these people going missing.
- You made a joke about them being psychic. It’s always after a big storm, when they’ve pumped up their stereo to drown out the sound of the thunder, that the newspaper has some terrible new headline the next day. Awful stuff. Yes, you suppose the victims do look a bit like you.
You’ll keep your jokes to yourself in the future, though. They didn’t find it funny. - They’ve been practising that play for months now, but they’re still not sure when they’ll suggest the Amateur Dramatics Society puts it on. Shame. With all the shouting, and crying, and screaming, it sounds a lot more exciting than the usual AmDram fare.
“It’s got to be perfect,” they said.
“Like your eyes,” he said, stroking your cheek.
“Like my father’s eyes.” She stroked your other cheek. Okay, so they’re weird, but not “off”. - Well, call them eccentric. Everyone else in the neighbourhood thinks it’s funny, and that the three of you are in it together.
Ever since they started wearing the same clothes as you and got their hair cut to match. Funny. - And they’ll wait forever for you to answer the door. You won’t do it, though, not this time. It’s three o’clock in the morning, you have to getup early for work, and they’re soaking wet from the storm raging outside. You don’t want them dripping over your carpet!
You can’t sleep with them out there either, though. They warned you not to get one of those door cameras, claiming burglars prefer to target houses with them, so you didn’t dare admit to setting up a little webcam through the window for peace of mind.
You can’t stop watching them on the monitor, they’re just grinning at each other. - You swapped keys with them when they moved in, “for emergencies”. Now, you’re terrified to ask for your keys back.
You’re even more terrified that one day you might need to go into their house for some emergency and they’ll come back and think you were “snooping around.” - “Changing the locks, eh?” he asked, and it sounded like a death sentence. You don’t ask them to take a pair “for emergencies” this time, and he doesn’t ask.
Why doesn’t he ask? - And how come they never have visitors, if they’re so damn friendly?
There’s only ever the two of them in that big house. It reminds you that you used to have friends, and you call to see if any of them are free.
All the calls go to voicemail, like your friends have disappeared off together somewhere. - They put GHB or something in your sugar. You don’t eat much sugar.
God knows how long it’s been in there. It’s only because the weather was so wintry outside.
Your mom used to do that: when the leaves started falling from the trees, she’d add sugar to her coffee, for “winter fat”.
Drinking the coffee was the last thing you remember before you woke up here in your neighbours’ cellar. It looks like they needed a captive audience for their play, because you’re strapped into your seat.
What I Discovered This Week
Research!
While doing some crucial research for my current project, I came across the ridiculous claim that “… a ‘grilled cheese sandwich’ is a classic sandwich… enjoyed… since the Great Depression.”
Cynical though I am, I couldn’t believe it took humanity at least 167 years (the sandwich was invented in 1762 at the latest, and the Great Depression started in 1929), before its collective imagination dared to dream of such a thing as “a warm sandwich”.
A bit more research rewarded my faith.
What the badly phrased article was trying to say, is that they only became known as “grilled cheese sandwiches” after the Great Depression, incorporating processed cheese and sliced (processed) bread.
Before that they were called “tostados” or “cheese toasties”.
Don’t ask me what people found depressing about that.
(Excerpted from my newsletter dated 12th November, 2022. Sign up for the full, up-to-date experience!)
Bitter on the Tongue
Welcome!
I have set titles and a rough outline for the next two Alumière adventures, ready for NaNoWriMo.
NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, and the goal is usually to write 50,000 words of a novel during November.
Never afraid to do things wrong on purpose, however, I am going to write two 25,000 word drafts instead.
(Anyone can take part. If you’ve ever thought about writing a book, perhaps now is the right time? Find out more here.)
Flash Fiction: Bitter on the Tongue
I’m keeping this week’s offline for now, in case I’d like to do something else with it.
Sorry!
If you want to read everything, you can subscribe to my newsletter here.
In Case You Missed It This Week:
Read!
I just finished How To Teach Quantum Physics To Your Dog. This means that, at least for quantum physics, I am now as smart as a dog! I whole-heartedly recommend it, here’s my Goodreads review.
Read!
I’ve just started The Hysteria of Bodalís. It’s about a guy beating a computer game, but everyone believes he defeated the aliens for real. As they were hoping to be saved by the aliens, they’re not happy…
Wait for my review, or grab it FREE now by signing up to Marcos Antonio Hernandez’s newsletter.
Read!
While researching book titles I came across this lesser-known classic by Robert Louis Stevenson. Read short story “Markheim” FREE here.
(Hammer Film Productions called it The Mirror and Markheim when they turned it into a featurette.)
Watch!
Or should that be “watch out”? for the “profound hopelessness” of “ultraviolent” Unicorn Wars, which pits cuddly teddy bears against unicorns in a fight to the bitter end. Coming 2023, and, I have to say, I’m looking forward to this!
If there are no children in the room, then check out the trailer here!
Listen!
Leeds noisemongers Blacklisters are back! Get their latest release
“Leisure Centre” from Bandcamp here.
Enjoy!
(Excerpted from my newsletter dated 22nd October, 2022. Sign up for the full, up-to-date experience!)
Piehole
Welcome!
I managed to finish “Laura’s Suitcase” (still don’t have a proper title), only to get stuck in another story (working title: “Dirtgod”).
I’ve also eaten a weird but delicious type of Georgian liquid bread that I didn’t catch the name of (I’ll get back to you), and arranged a little something for early next week. Don’t miss it!
Make sure you also fail to miss this week’s story. It’s a funny one to make up for last week’s story, which I gather not everyone enjoyed as much as I did.
Flash Fiction: Happy and Glorious
England smiled, causing a dimple in Wales and another in Belgium (as if anyone cared).
It had bad teeth.
Based on their arrangement, experts estimated the location of the eyes. It was a very human face. Rumours started to spread, forcing the government to block access to the chasm of England’s mouth.
Cars and trains had plunged into it when the mouth opened, ripping roads and railways apart. But now people jumped and drove into it deliberately to get — finally — away from Europe for real.
People said King Arthur lived down there with Winston Churchill and Robin Hood. Elvis Presley was granted mandatory British citizenship, when the prime minister heard his music echoing up England’s throat.
Experts extrapolated the position of the nostrils. Dynamite and big yellow trucks were sent to clear the blockage, lest it be said the king ruled over a mouth breather.
In Wales, people danced naked to the cult of the dimple.
The Leader of the Scottish National Party said that if the mouth was down there, then Scotland must have the brains.
Northern Ireland said that England must have three eyes, because otherwise they would only get a single wonky ear, while the Republic of Ireland dug a trench across the middle of the country—which was all bog, anyway—because they had no face at all.
Immigrants were refused asylum and deported. Then anyone who didn’t look quite English enough, no matter what their passports said, because it wouldn’t do to have foreigners walking on England’s face.
They were shipped off to… well, does it matter?
The poor were given a starter pack of one hundred pairs of blue plastic shoe covers, because they all had pitbulls which shit everywhere, and they certainly stepped in it, rather than walk around it.
Then Richard Littlejohn made a joke in the Daily Mail, a newspaper which was only ever intended as wrapping for fish ‘n’ chips, and people read by mistake.
About where the stuff that the mouth ate must come out.
It so annoyed China that they bombed England’s face in retaliation.
Naturally everyone was very annoyed with China for a while, but it meant they didn’t have to listen to England talking about its face any more.
And as soon as France stopped complaining about the radiation levels, which would surely drop soon by themselves, everything could go back to normal.
In Case You Missed It This Week:
Read!
You can read Dark Matter Magazine’s Special Halloween edition online for FREE this month. Do that here!
Watch!
This short film is not horror, but it does have a monster cat! This is great!
Look!
I’m getting a head start on the cover design for an upcoming project and came across these amazing paintings. What do you think, would you buy a dark fantasy book that looked like this?
Watch!
Remember when the Rubberbandits warned us in 2010 that there was a Horse Outside? (Caution, very sweary link)
Well, it’s finally happened. They’ve come inside. And they don’t speak English, apparently. Horse Inside.
Enjoy!
(Excerpted from my newsletter dated 15th October, 2022. Sign up for the full, up-to-date experience!)
Dangerous Ladies
Welcome!
A sweet, white-haired old granny normally sells fruit (figs and oranges, I think) from a public bench outside our closest big supermarket. She’s not there when I arrive with Manchee, so I’m in position when she eventually turns up. But there’s a problem: a drunk is passed out on the bench.
So she starts beating the crap out of him with her walking stick.
Eventually she gets bored of that and crowbars him onto the ground, at which point he wakes up.
That’s Dangerous Lady #1
I am stuck in “Laura’s Suitcase”, the short story I had hoped to finish last week.
Every time I’m just about to give up, it starts to work and Laura draws me back in.
That’s Dangerous Lady #2.
In today’s Flash Fiction, we meet Dangerous Lady #3.
No spoilers, but you should know that today’s short story is aimed at mature audiences who aren’t afraid of spiders.
Flash Fiction: Last Legs
Frank waited until the last moment to cancel. He called the hotel from the hallway, letting them know he wouldn’t be there. The handle of his small carry-on case sweated under his palm. He turned his phone off in case Lisa texted to ask how the traffic was at his end.
She wouldn’t know he wasn’t coming until she arrived, and would be too angry to drive back and confront him.
She had promised she wouldn’t, but she could never resist showing him her spider when they were together.
When he told Lisa he would do anything for her, obviously he meant anything except spiders.
He’d find someone else.
Maybe.
She kept suggesting they move in together. With rent prices like they were, it made little sense to keep their own apartments. That’s what Lisa said.
For Frank, it made perfect sense. She had her spider in her flat, and he had his flat without. She brought it everywhere with her, though, and insisted on showing it to him.
It was bad enough knowing the thing was there. She didn’t have to shove it in his face!
His phone buzzed as soon as he turned it back on. She shouted at him, calling him a coward and other names. Worse was the tapping of the spider’s legs as it touched the phone to get to him.
He had been right to cancel: it was already on the loose, despite her promises. Well, let them enjoy their holiday together. They wouldn’t need him for that.
He missed her, though, as soon as she hung up.
He dreamt about her that night. She wasn’t wearing panties. She had tied his hands to his lonely bed’s headboard with them.
When she knelt to straddle his face, the spider that lived between her wet lips reached out to caress his face with its hairy double-jointed legs.
In Case You Missed It This Week:
Read!
I don’t read much SF, but when I do, then only the good stuff. Like the Mirrorshades anthology, featuring William Gibson, Pat Cadigan, Greg Bear and more. Long out of print, contributor Rudy Rucker is hosting it on his website as a free read!
Prophesy!
I already told you that short fiction magazine, The Deadlands is now free if you sign up. They’ve launched a Kickstarter to fund the next year of fiction, and one of the perks is a 3 card tarot reading for $10. My tarot newsletter was one of my most popular editions, so I know you’re interested.
This is your chance to find out who will replace Liz Truss and clean up at the bookies!
(And marginalised/unpublished short fiction writers can snag a critique from professional writers for a measly $25!)
Research!
I loved this story about the conspiracy theory that Barbara Bush, the wife of George Bush, is the daughter of Aleister Crowley, the self-styled “Beast” of sex magick.
“I wanted to test whether anyone would take the first, obvious step of contacting me and asking ‘Is this real?'”
Daughter of the Beast, or rather Mother of the Beast, is therefore Dangerous Lady #4. (She might not be Aleister Crowley’s daughter, but she did give birth to George W. Bush…)
Enjoy!
(Excerpted from my newsletter dated 8th October, 2022. Sign up for the full, up-to-date experience!)
