Trouble sleeping?
Check out the latest episode of Sleepytime Supervillain Theatre on YouTube now!
If you enjoy it, subscribe to my channel to avoid missing out.
Sleepytime Supervillain Theatre: “Like! Thing! Subscribe!”
Blog
10 Times The Voices In Their Heads Knew What They Were Talking About
1. In 1773, Bailey Jackson from Knuckle, Oregon, was mocked by his neighbours after climbing a tree and refusing to come down. He had been there three days when everyone in Knuckle was killed by bears.
The bears were too full to climb the tree after Bailey, having already eaten well.
2. Tax collector Kim Nguyen narrowly avoided death after dropping her iPhone while crossing a busy road in the resort town of Nha Trang.
Before she could stop to pick it up, a voice in her head reminded her it was already two years old.
She left it there to go buy a new one, avoiding the truck which would have flattened her if she had stopped to pick it up.
3. Irish farmer Ted Driscoll liked to pretend it was his cows talking when he heard voices in his head.
When one day the cows stopped making sense, he called in a vet who to confirm his suspicions.
It was an outbreak of Mad Cow Disease, and the early warning meant they were in time to confine the spread of the disease to the Driscoll farm.
4. The voice in her head told Meg Rodriguez not to open the bottle she found on the beach.
There was a note inside, and the voice told her it would contain bad news.
So she didn’t, and is still alive and happy today.
What would have happened if she had opened it?
Nobody knows, but you can’t argue with alive and happy.
5. When a voice in her head warned Texas mother Kari Olbrecht that her child was in danger at school, she dropped everything and raced to Don Townsend Elementary.
The voice had been right: the teacher was just sitting down to read a book to the class!*
6. Tom Bowles kept being woken up by a voice in the dark telling him he was buried alive every time he turned off the light off to sleep.
He soon learned to sleep with the light on.
Unless the voice was right, and he was just imagining he was asleep in his bed with the light on…
7. A trip to a local winery could have led to disaster for Martina Morrow if she hadn’t heeded the voice in her head.
It warned her that the vineyard’s owner, who also crushed the grapes with his feet as part of the “experience”, would reveal cloven hooves.
She made her excuses and left before he took his shoes off, saving herself a battle with the devil.
The last one hadn’t gone so well, and she wasn’t in the mood for a repeat.
8. Peering into the cloudy blue eyes of the newborn in her arms, Patricia Keyes knew he wasn’t her baby.
She had seen the nurse help him out of her body and hand him straight to her.
But the voice in her head insisted that her child had been swapped for this one while still in her womb.
9. Dave Weston was saved from a nasty bite when the voice in his head warned him the burger he was about to eat looked “mean.”
Using his knife and fork to examine the beef patty, he found several half-crushed, sharp-edged teeth poking out of the meat.
10. The voice in his head told Karl Weizenmüller not to eat the basil he had planted because it was already flowering.
He didn’t listen, however, and it’s always possible to smell when Karl is around, because of the
scent of basil.
A more unfortunate side-effect is that he can no longer go to Italian restaurants as seeing people eat pesto makes him cry.
*possibly this one: I Need a New Butt!
(Excerpted from my newsletter dated 26th November, 2022. Sign up for the full, up-to-date experience!)
10 Times “Mad” Science Almost Got It Right
I’m trying to keep these newsletters as short as possible while I power through NaNoWriMo, but this edition is still packed with cheese and mad hair (above), mad science in the main feature, and mad ads, dolls and music in the roundup at the end.
Killer List: 10 Times “Mad” Science Almost Got It Right
1. We all know that, according to chaos theory, if a butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil, it can cause a tornado in Texas, right?
Not quite. It turns out it was Bolsonaro chopping down the Amazon which was destroying weather around the world.
2. Time travel favourite: is it even possible to travel back in time without sleeping with your mother, and accidentally becoming your own father?
It turns out it is! Everything was better in those days, including the men.
You don’t stand a chance with your mom, snowflake!
3. Travelling to distant galaxies sounds great. Hibernating (sleeping!) until you arrive sounds brilliant. But robots still haven’t learned how to pour coffee between the lips of a sleeping human, so how are you going to wake up?
4. So how about zipping down a handy wormhole to go straight where you need to be?
You could do that, but it turns out wormholes will also send you back in time. This means you are now irresistibly attracted to your mother and therefore unable to concentrate on the important task the government selected you to do.
You pine away on a distance star and humanity goes extinct.
5. Bringing the dead back to life with a jolt of electricity?
Yes, you absolutely can do this.
The only problem is that the electricity will also fry you, meaning you’ll smell like bacon for as long as you continue to “live.”
In real life, Frankenstein’s monster would have been eaten by the villagers. Everyone loves bacon!
6. Live forever!
Sure, just listen to Aubrey de Grey on the subject.
Science fiction authors—a gloomy bunch—will try to convince you that you will get bored after the first few hundred years.
Empirical research, however, suggests this is simply not true: the 100th time you eat a bucket of KFC fried chicken is just as delicious as the first time.
Assuming, of course, that you are not eating only KFC fried chicken. If you are, even mad science cannot help you live forever.
7. Going forward in time?
Yes, but take another look at number 2 on this list.
That boy who finds you inexplicably irresistible?
Yep, that’s your son/grandson/ great grandson. Don’t do it!
8. The quantum Zeno effect says that measuring the state of a system (for example, whether a particle has a charge) frequently enough can prevent the system from changing state.
Almost! What’s actually happening here is a function of Zeno’s arrow paradox.
Let us examine this paradox by substituting a thirsty author for the arrow, and a cup of tea as the arrow’s destination.
In order for the author to get from their computer to the kettle where their tea is waiting (bag in), the author must first cross a distance equal to half the distance between the computer to the kettle.
After this, they cross the other half. So much so obvious.
But wait!
Before the author can reach the point halfway to the kettle, they must logically cross a distance equal to half the distance to the halfway point (a quarter of the way to the kettle), but first they need to cross a distance equal to half the distance of the halfway point of the first half of the (increasingly tedious) journey to the kettle, and so on.
Logically, every distance comprises two “half-distances”, and that includes each “half-distance”, so there are an infinite number of them.
Obviously, it takes a certain amount of time for the author to cross each and every distance, so it must therefore take the author an infinite amount of time to get to the kettle.
By which time the tea will have gone cold.
Bearing this in mind, it’s now obvious what is happening when quantum physicists attempt to “freeze” states through constant measurement.
All they’ve really done is foolishly lock themselves into a cycle of observing “halfway” measurement points.
The system will change… as soon as the last of the infinite measurements has been completed.
Don’t wait up!
*Quantum physicists like to call particles “systems”, and charges “states” because it sounds more impressive.
9. Nothing can go faster than the speed of light… except for light!
Think about it. Light is the fastest thing in the universe. But it still takes light from the sun a certain amount of time to reach the Earth, for example (roughly 8 minutes and 19 seconds). That’s how long it took last year and the year before that, too.
Yet the universe keeps expanding. Therefore, this year’s light must be moving faster than last year’s light.
Take that, fundamental law of physics!
10. Evil clones.
No. You use up finite resources with every breath. You burp, fart, and your armpits smell.
Plus, remember that time you said something that you knew would hurt people’s feelings?
So, if you’re now thinking “this world needs more of me!” then don’t blame the clone.
You’re the evil one.
What I Discovered This Week
Watch!
Jim Henson made ads in the 1950s. There’s almost 15 minutes of them collected here. I guarantee you will not want to try Wilkins Coffee after watching these! Weirdly brutal.
Read!
About the girl who adopted a terrifying creepy doll! This will make you go “aww!” and then wonder if she’s going to be okay…
Listen!
Leeds noise terrorists, Thank, have just brought out a live album! If you thought they made a shocking amount of irritating noise when they went into the studio, check out the live version here!
(Excerpted from my newsletter dated 19th November, 2022. Sign up for the full, up-to-date experience!)
10 Warning Signs Your Neighbours Are Serial Killers
I’ve written 27,989 of the 50,000 words I need to complete NaNoWriMo.
I’m pretty pleased with the way it’s going so far: silliness abounds!
(It’s an Alumière story, so that’s good.)
The only other thing that happened recently, is that the batteries for our doorbell ran out this week. We should replace them.
We should…
Speaking of which, please heed this week’s important safety tips on what to do if someone comes to visit you.
Below that, a controversial claim about cheese.
Tuck in!
Killer List: 10 Warning Signs Your Neighbours Are Serial Killers
- You love your new neighbours, they’re so friendly. Your friends don’t love them. They think they’re “off.” Mind you, your friends hardly ever visit anymore, so who’s really “off” now?
- You couldn’t say for sure, but perhaps there were fewer “lost dog” or “have you seen my cat?” posters in the neighbourhood before they moved in. But who has time to worry about pets, with all these people going missing.
- You made a joke about them being psychic. It’s always after a big storm, when they’ve pumped up their stereo to drown out the sound of the thunder, that the newspaper has some terrible new headline the next day. Awful stuff. Yes, you suppose the victims do look a bit like you.
You’ll keep your jokes to yourself in the future, though. They didn’t find it funny. - They’ve been practising that play for months now, but they’re still not sure when they’ll suggest the Amateur Dramatics Society puts it on. Shame. With all the shouting, and crying, and screaming, it sounds a lot more exciting than the usual AmDram fare.
“It’s got to be perfect,” they said.
“Like your eyes,” he said, stroking your cheek.
“Like my father’s eyes.” She stroked your other cheek. Okay, so they’re weird, but not “off”. - Well, call them eccentric. Everyone else in the neighbourhood thinks it’s funny, and that the three of you are in it together.
Ever since they started wearing the same clothes as you and got their hair cut to match. Funny. - And they’ll wait forever for you to answer the door. You won’t do it, though, not this time. It’s three o’clock in the morning, you have to getup early for work, and they’re soaking wet from the storm raging outside. You don’t want them dripping over your carpet!
You can’t sleep with them out there either, though. They warned you not to get one of those door cameras, claiming burglars prefer to target houses with them, so you didn’t dare admit to setting up a little webcam through the window for peace of mind.
You can’t stop watching them on the monitor, they’re just grinning at each other. - You swapped keys with them when they moved in, “for emergencies”. Now, you’re terrified to ask for your keys back.
You’re even more terrified that one day you might need to go into their house for some emergency and they’ll come back and think you were “snooping around.” - “Changing the locks, eh?” he asked, and it sounded like a death sentence. You don’t ask them to take a pair “for emergencies” this time, and he doesn’t ask.
Why doesn’t he ask? - And how come they never have visitors, if they’re so damn friendly?
There’s only ever the two of them in that big house. It reminds you that you used to have friends, and you call to see if any of them are free.
All the calls go to voicemail, like your friends have disappeared off together somewhere. - They put GHB or something in your sugar. You don’t eat much sugar.
God knows how long it’s been in there. It’s only because the weather was so wintry outside.
Your mom used to do that: when the leaves started falling from the trees, she’d add sugar to her coffee, for “winter fat”.
Drinking the coffee was the last thing you remember before you woke up here in your neighbours’ cellar. It looks like they needed a captive audience for their play, because you’re strapped into your seat.
What I Discovered This Week
Research!
While doing some crucial research for my current project, I came across the ridiculous claim that “… a ‘grilled cheese sandwich’ is a classic sandwich… enjoyed… since the Great Depression.”
Cynical though I am, I couldn’t believe it took humanity at least 167 years (the sandwich was invented in 1762 at the latest, and the Great Depression started in 1929), before its collective imagination dared to dream of such a thing as “a warm sandwich”.
A bit more research rewarded my faith.
What the badly phrased article was trying to say, is that they only became known as “grilled cheese sandwiches” after the Great Depression, incorporating processed cheese and sliced (processed) bread.
Before that they were called “tostados” or “cheese toasties”.
Don’t ask me what people found depressing about that.
(Excerpted from my newsletter dated 12th November, 2022. Sign up for the full, up-to-date experience!)
Book Launch (Secret) Sale!
Well done, you found it!
Don’t tell anyone, but as well as the sale on The Phoenix and The Squared Circle, I’m also running a secret sale on The Forgotten Creatures.
$2.99, but only this weekend for my blog readers and newsletter subscribers.
If you’re quick you can grab The Forgotten Creatures for $2.99 from:
Amazon (affiliate link);
directly from me, or
Enjoy!
10 Superstitions About Chicken Feet From Around The World
Welcome!
I’ve written 12,817 of the 50,000 words I need to complete NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month. Actually NoWriMo for non-Americans, as the “National” refers to the US), and I’ll be going in again as soon as I finish this newsletter.
So let’s quickly answer that question you want to ask me.
“Have you any tips for me about how to not sound like a tourist when I visit Georgia. My Georgian is not as good as I’d like it to be!”
Absolutely! To sound like a Georgian, you just have to learn the word “ara” and say it as much as you can. It’s written არა, and means “no”.
Everybody says it here all the time. I have seen Georgians walk up to other Georgians on the street and start a conversations with “Ara…”
And you can find out more about other cultures in this week’s Main Feature!
Enjoy!
Killer List: 10 Superstitions About Chicken Feet From Around The World
- Wearing a necklace of chicken feet around your neck will prevent a wrinkly neck in Malaysia.
- Hanging a chicken foot from your assault rifle in Florida is the best way to “own the Libs,” as they all now identify as animals according to a very reliable source on social media.
- If a chicken walks through wet concrete, then walking over the imprints of its feet will make you impotent in Australia.
- The best way to get rid of a banshee is to summon it by poisoning a family member until they are on the brink of death, then leave a sackful of chicken feet on your neighbour’s property to lure them away (Ireland).
- In Antarctica, chicken feet are left outside throughout the day, then licked as a savoury dessert in the evenings. However, licking all three “toes” in one go is said to cause blindness.
- Chicken feet are regarded as the ultimate sign of the devil in Italy, as three feet can be overlaid in such a way as to create an inverted pentagram.
During the height of the wave of kidnappings in the 1970s, some people even resorted to wearing t-shirts printed with chicken feet to scare away superstitious members of the Mafia. - Children in Canada bury chicken feet between Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve, from which, they believe, the following year’s Christmas tree will grow.
- In Haiti, dead bodies are buried with chicken feet mixed into the earth of the grave to protect against witch doctors who might seek to turn the deceased into their zombies. The feet are believed to latch onto the fingers of grave robbers in an unbreakable grip, allowing the family to identify the witch doctor and demand the spell be broken.
- A chicken foot with a middle toe which has curled into a circle is said to bring a long life in Nepal.
- In 17th-century England, it was claimed that if a woman swallowed a whole chicken foot before intercourse, it would improve fertility and guarantee a boy.
In 21st-century England, it is said that if a man inserts a whole chicken foot into himself before intercourse, it will somehow increase his pleasure.
What I Discovered This Week
Read!
I finished Hydra, the second book in Matt Wesolowski’s Six Stories series. The series is about a true-crime podcast, raking up old murders and trying to get a better idea of what really happened by piecing together the stories of six of the people involved. It’s very well-written and hard to put down if you’re in the mood for a true-crime style mystery.
Read!
I also finished re-reading Dorothy L. Sayers’ Whose Body? which is 99 years old this year, and still great fun. If you don’t know it, it’s like if Bertie Wooster was pretending to be Sherlock Holmes. FREE via Project Gutenberg.
Listen!
Find of the week has to be this band with a very rude name, and weird music video. This is exactly what I like: a band playing music like nothing I’ve ever heard before, but it just sounds right.
Erm, if you want more from them, then use the links under the video. Depending on your search engine settings you might get difficult to explain search results if you just type the band name in and hit “search”
#askthemanwhofoundoutthehardway
(Excerpted from my newsletter dated 05th November, 2022. Sign up for the full, up-to-date experience!)
