Morgan Delaney

Dark, strange and fantastic fiction

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A Bit of Give and Take

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A family of gingerbread figures, one of whom is unhappy
Made with a photo by Food Photographer | Jennifer Pallian on Unsplash

I’m not a big fan of Christmas, so I wrote this piece of flash fiction to get myself in the mood. Enjoy!

We grinned at each other as we heard cursing come down the chimney. Becky was ready with the good silver tray with its glass of milk and expensive shortbread biscuits. I prepared to lend a hand unloading the Xboxes, PlayStations, and accompanying games we’d requested. The figure was soot-black and still cursing as he climbed backwards out of the grate. Then he turned around and Becky screamed.

“It’s not what it looks like,” said Death. “I’m just filling in to help out.”

“Gran’s in bed, take her!” said Kevin.

Death pursed his… mouth? “Well, that’s not nice.”

Kevin wasn’t getting a go on my Xbox, I thought. Then I quickly and loudly thought: I mean, of course he can play on mine. (No point taking any risks at this stage.)

“Would you like a biscuit?” Becky had picked one of the broken shortbreads off the carpet and offered it to Death.

“Thanks, I’m on a diet.” He patted where his belly would have been if he wasn’t a skeleton. “Tough crowd,” he said after a minute, and sighed. “Let’s get this over with, shall we? An Xbox and three games each, alright?” He rummaged in his bag.

“I wanted a PlayStation,” said Kevin, as he wiped his nose on his sleeve.

“Yes, but you just tried to trade your granny for one, so no.”

He stacked the brightly wrapped boxes under the tree, while we crowded around to double-check the name-tags. Once I saw mine, I went to get a wet dishcloth to mop up the spilled milk. Again: no point taking chances.

I rubbed at the carpet’s pile, waiting for Death to say “just kidding!” but it looked like he meant it, and was going to leave without giving Kev anything. Father Christmas is usually prepared for a bit of give and take, when he comes around to our house. And that’s when the strangest feeling came over me. It was a sort of aching hollow in my chest, which I had never experienced before.

I…

I felt sorry for Kevin! It was a Christmas miracle, just like on TV!

“Wait!” I called as Death was folding himself up to get back up the chimney. It wasn’t fair to leave Kevin like this. Death turned, so did the others, and I knew this was the right thing to do. I even felt it in the tears running down Kevin’s face.

“About Kevin… “ I took a breath. Was it just my imagination or did Death’s skull face soften? It wasn’t Kevin’s fault that he always messed things up, but he’d be miserable all during Christmas again.

“He got nothing this year. But neither did you.”

Death’s eyes flashed, but we’d already got our presents, so there was no question about it being a bribe.

“Won’t you take him with you? As a gift?”

In the end, Death had to go out the front door because of course Kevin’s stupid dead leg wouldn’t fit properly into the sack.

If you read this on Thursday, the 23rd of December there’s still a chance to boost my preferred Christmas song into the number one spot of the UK charts.

Because I’m a “certain sort of person” and because you owe it to posterity. Get it here! (<– Content warning for lots of swearing.)

And if you’re still looking for a Christmas present, may I recommend Witness X by S. E. Moorhead? (<– Content warning for an unputdownable page-turner!)

Letters

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A crab on a rock
Photo by Phil Hearing on Unsplash

It’s cold and dark here, so for this week’s piece of flash fiction, I let my imagination take me away to a tropical island. Join me?

My guess is: it was some sort of WWII installation. A tiny island – only 15 metres at its widest point – and smooth red rock rather than the sandy beach, those cartoons about a man stranded on a desert island would lead you to expect.

And a huge pylon antenna right in the middle.

My guess is: I was going to die here.

A lot more rain than you’d expect, too. I sat under the antenna, wishing it provided some shelter, listening to the raindrops sizzle as they fell through the metal struts. Microwaved castaway: like that joke about only needing five minutes to get a full eight-hour sleep in the microwave bed. I’d be dead of thirst, exposure, or pure boredom in hours rather than days. Fine.

The rain sounded like music after a while, cheap 80s synth beats.

Then it sounded like voices: “This is an emergency broadcast, this is not a test. If you can hear this…”

That’s when the storm let up and it cut out. Murphy’s Law.

Was that how I came to be here? I couldn’t remember, the antenna must have fried my brain already. I left the psychological shelter of the antenna’s iron legs to search for my boat for answers.

#

No boat. No supplies. Was WWII still going on? Was I a prisoner of war?

Dummy, I’d learned about WWII in school. How could it still be going on?

Unless that’s what they wanted me to think. But who were they?

I didn’t really fancy touching the antenna in case I got electrocuted, but I had no more options, so I climbed to search for a clue as to what was going on.

And I found it. There was a little steel plate screwed to the back of the antenna – or brainwashing machine, or whatever it was. “Made in China” was stamped into the metal in block capitals.

They couldn’t do this to me. I was an American citizen.

Wasn’t I?

Looking at my hands didn’t help. I could have been American. Or anything else, really. Maybe I was a God? Of this whole island. And unless someone else came along – if there was anybody else, which seemed unlikely at the moment – I was God of everything else, too. I clambered away from my metal totem pole down the slippery rocks to the shore. There were crabs there.

I let the ones who worshipped me escape and ate the non-believers.

Some butter would have been nice to fry the meat under my microwave tower.

If you’re a subscriber, then watch out for my newsletter this Saturday, featuring your exclusive tarot reading for 2022! Not a subscriber? Shame, it’s going to be a tough year, apparently…

10 WTF Film Flops.

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A man looks at an art piece in a museum, consisting of three neon question marks.
Made with photos by Pim Chu and Simone Secci on Unsplash

In probably the final Killer List for this year, we take a closer look at the films that no one wanted to see. From next week I’ll be posting my “stories” again. Sorry!

1. Titanic 2. For whatever reason, audiences weren’t interested in this sumptuous sequel in which the ship was raised from the ocean floor, only to sink again on its journey back home. We say: “When you got no plot, you got nothing to lose.”

2. The M&M M&Movie. Whether it was the lacklustre screenplay, or the on-brand, but hard-to-read title, the candy-coated duo were unable to parlay their small screen success into Hollywood m&magic. We say: “Success that melts on your screen, and not in your Cannes.”

3. The first film in the proposed Spielberg Cinematic Universe was also the last. Audiences said a resounding “no” to Schindler’s Duel about a man taking an express elevator to the ground floor of a very tall building while being chased around the elevator by another man on a Segway, whom he has somehow annoyed. We say: “Just… just cut it out, okay?”

4. Shortbeth attempted to update “the Scottish play” for Gen Y with actors ad-libbing whatever random nonsense happened to be passing through their minds, instead of delivering Shakespeare’s original lines. We say: “Is this a bunch of crap I see before me?”

5. After failing to get his party’s nomination to run in the 2024 presidential election, Donald Trump bullied people with loose Hollywood connections until enough of them agreed to help him remake the “definitive” version of Home Alone. Trump had a tiny cameo in the original film, which he claims was all that was left of a “really quite big. Big. Really big. Nice and big. Nice. Big.” role originally. In the new version, fittingly — and unironically — titled Trump Alone, Donald reprises the role originally played by Macaulay Culkin. We say: “You’re what the French call, ‘les incompétents.’”

6. The Godfather IV: The Godson. In this “disaster” movie, Marlon Brando played the roles of godfather and godson. His famous line: “Goo, goo, capiche?” remains the most cited movie quotes of all time. We say: “So, I made the film then asked God for forgiveness.”

7. In Jason Statham’s Phantom of the Opera, the popular hero-next-door actor reprises his usual Mr Nice Guy role before suddenly starting to kidnap girls from his lair under a Paris opera house. The film is most often described simply as “weird.” We say: “You are crying! You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked.”

8. Speaking of weird… Lars von Trier’s new filmmaker’s manifesto requires all films to be made “only by the director, alone, in a locked room. I will mind the keys and let them out when I feel the film is ready.” It has been variously described as “weird,” “the death of Danish cinema” by that country’s Dagblad, and “a really great and funny idea” by Lars von Trier.

9. Moonlighting. As nostalgia for the 80s peaked, the time seemed right for a movie reboot of the popular TV series which starred Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd. The movie bombed as audiences confused Moonlighting with 1987 film Moonstruck, which starred Cher, and were put off by the idea of a film where “Cher” (Bruce Willis) mumbles and wears a wife-beater. We say: “Snap out of it!”

10. The Teletubbies Towering Inferno. The Artists Formerly Known As The Teletubbies (AFKATT) have long since recognised that this film may have been a mistake commercially, but claim to remain grateful to it for helping them to break out of children’s television.

Dipsy is currently making a “dark musical” with James Franco. The other members of the troupe remain on “hiatus.”

Despite the film flopping, it incurred only moderate financial losses for the studio, as it had been filmed in the tower Spielberg had built for Schindler’s Duel. We say: “Time for Tubby bye-bye!”

In other news: there’s a brand-new magazine of short speculative fiction coming!

Verity Holloway is Kickstarting Cloister Fox, and Robert Shearman (among others) has contributed a short story to the first issue :O.

Support it here!

10 Pop Songs You Didn’t Know Praised Satan

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The Devil sings into a microphone
Made with photos by Alessio Zaccaria and Keagan Henman on Unsplash

With the holidays approaching (far too) fast, there’s cheerful bloody music everywhere. This week, I attempted to find refuge with the Devil, who famously has all the best tunes, only to discover that he’s responsible for some absolute stinkers, too.

1. “The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore” by Frankie Valli. Wearing the blue cloak of the Devil’s emissary goat, Azazel, Frankie explains to his victim that the blood sacrifice is necessary so that Satan will continue to allow the sun to shine and the moon to rise. The song enjoyed greater success in the version recorded by The Walker Brothers.

2. “Blue Suede Shoes” by Carl Perkins. Now better known as an Elvis Presley track, this song was originally written and performed by Carl Perkins, who also invokes Azazel with his use of the word “blue,” but goes further, connecting it with “suede,” a common codeword for “human skin” among devil-worshippers. In this song, Perkins informs us that he is happy to suffer any persecution his religious beliefs might bring, as long as his sacrificial victims remain undefiled.

3. “Metal Mickey” by Suede. The band fronted by Brett Anderson put their predilection for slaughtering innocents in Satan’s name right into their moniker. “Metal Mickey” is, of course, the name the singer gave to his ritual knife. Brett is most famous in satanic circles for his cryptic quote: “I don’t care whether my victim is a man or woman, as long as it’s a woman.”

4. “Milkshake” by Kelis. The clue that there is more to this song than a first listen might reveal is the injunction to “warm it up.” Obviously, nobody would ever warm up a milkshake. This must therefore be a reference to the fires of Hell which burn ever brighter as worshippers make their way to “the yard”: the black mass.

5. “Easy Lover” by Philip Bailey. She’ll take your heart when you’re on your knees? Sounds like Satan to me. This 1984 hit, which Bailey sung with Phil Collins, has been praised for its progressive use of the pronouns “she/her” to refer to Satan.

6. “Like A Virgin” by Madonna. In this catchy how-to song for beginners, Madonna explains the Dark Lord’s preference regarding his (or her) victims.

7. “What Is Love” by Haddaway. Trinidadian–German philosopher – and singer – Haddaway uses interrogative, almost epiplectically rhetorical lyrics to force us into confrontation with our beliefs. What, demands Haddaway, has love brought us other than pain? The conclusion, which the song cleverly leaves unformulated in order for the listener to reach it for themselves, is that we might as well try hate for a change.

8. “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X, one of the Church of Cthulhu’s most famous adherents, the song describes how X found his way to the “Old Town” (where Lovecraft’s Old Ones live) through the use of “horse” (heroin).

9. “Hand In My Pocket” by Alanis Morissette. Alanis describes the superficially carefree life of a Satanist, hinting slyly at an undercurrent of simmering resentment as she is forced to perform everyday tasks one-handedly, in other words, unable to give the sign of the horns.

10. “Mull of Kintyre” by Wings. Sometimes referred to as the “fifth Beatle,” Wings only revealed that the song was dedicated to a “close friend,” when he originally released it. I can now confirm that the friend was the Devil. The song’s title is an anagram of “For Inky Mullet,” and Wings wrote it to poke gentle fun at his friend’s poor taste in haircuts and frugal ways, which extended to using cheap substitute for hair dye, when they were young men “on the pull” in Liverpool. Also, it’s got bagpipes in it. Evil.

In other news this week: tomorrow is the final Bandcamp Friday of 2021, with no news yet whether Bandcamp plans to extend the fee-waiving days into 2022. So get your devil-worshipping tunes tomorrow!

I’ll be pre-ordering Zeal & Ardor’s third album, Zeal & Ardor, which already sounds like a strong contender for 2022’s best suck-up-to-Satan music.

I’ll also be pre-ordering Thank’s, [sic, that’s not a typo] Thoughtless Cruelty, an unholy cacophony guaranteed to harrow the souls of any unshriven dead you might have lying around (or at least annoy the neighbours).

Top 10 Haunted Summer Camps

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A "campsite" sign pointing to what looks like gravestaones.
Made with photos by DDP and Bailey Anselme on Unsplash

If you enjoyed Netflix’s Fear Street series, you might be interested in more summer camp stories. Bookings open now for next year! For every year! Forever…

1. Camp Ararat is the site of countless visions, but few deaths. The most common vision is that of a man who waits at the door of the camp’s outhouse all night. Passing through the ghost leaves a black residue on the person’s skin.

2. Camp Yeller no longer opens during leap years, after campers were found dead in their beds – drowned – on leap years.

3. Camp Bearclaw continues to open, but its visitors are now mostly ghost hunters hoping to catch a vision of the 1942 massacre when an alligator attacked, eating 28 campers and supervisors. The rumour that the giant alligator still lives and could return to Camp Bearclaw is an added attraction for thrill seekers.

4. Camp Pheasant, on the other hand, never recovered from the attack that happened there. The area continues to experience an abnormally high number of disappearances, leading to rumours that the perpetrator, the infamous Dean West, continues to return to the area for victims, despite having been shot to death while attempting to escape police. Electronic equipment does not work at Camp Pheasant.

5. Since being burned down, Camp Oldham allegedly returns for one day every year, with reports of lights, screams and the smell of smoke where the camp was located.

6. Camp Rock Edge is still open for business, run by the original religious group. It is strongly recommended that anyone intending to travel to Camp Rock Edge wait to receive confirmation that they are expected before going. Local feeling still runs high and the group will shoot first and ask questions later.

The exact details of what happened remain disputed. The group claims that the children who attended in 1984 volunteered to dedicate their lives to Jesus, renouncing the outside world and their parents. Families of the children say they picked up their children on the last day, only to have them disappear “like smoke” from their cars on the way home.

A comparison of photos shows the same cult members – barely aged – still running the camp today.

7. Camp Woodwish is the locus for numerous hauntings involving a boy calling for help, who lures hikers and dog walkers ever further into the treacherous woods. Locals presume this is Tim Eldon, who got lost in a game of Hide and Seek in 1911.

8. Camp Malcolm was Missouri’s first racially integrated summer camp. After their horrific attack on it, the membership of the regional Ku Klux Klan went into sharp decline. Sheer disgust at their actions made it difficult for them to recruit new members, while existing members mysteriously disappeared. Even today, bloody handprints appear on the houses of Ku Klux Klan family members.

9. The bus which crashed on the way to camp in Wichita returns throughout the summer months each year. Motorists report following a bus of happy children, who often make faces or otherwise tease them through the bus’s rear window, before it abruptly vanishes at the hairpin turn, which was the site of the original crash.

10. The drowned bodies of the campers from Camp Aloha rise from the lake every year during the August full moon. The figures stand in the waist high water all night, before sinking back into the mud by morning. An attempt to free them by draining the lake revealed the lake bed had been seeded with several hundred bear traps. The perpetrator is still at large.

I’ve heard back from readers praising/complaining that the short story in last weekend’s newsletter was very creepy. You’ve missed it unfortunately, but it’s not too late to get signed up for the next one. Signing up also gets you two EXCLUSIVE ebooks. Click here to kumbaya-nd* join us round the newsletter campfire!

* “come by and”. Sorry.

10 Infamous Pets

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Made with photos from Pavel Churiumov and Sonika Agarwal on Unsplash

This week’s killer list is a closer look at the darker side of the human-animal relationship. Enjoy!

1. Caligula’s horse. After being appointed to the Senate, this animal became the first proponent of the theory we now know as “trickle-down economics” before a financial scandal forced him to retire.

2. Van Gogh’s duck. Because the artist was convinced the duck was lucky, he agreed to all of its demands, including the drunken request that Van Gogh pay it the tribute of an ear.

3. Poker ace Derek Barlow’s dogs. After he taught them the basics of poker, Derek became convinced that his dogs were concocting a sinister plan. He photographed and painted them obsessively in order to work out the “code” by which they worked out the details of this plan.

4. The princess’s frog. After meeting in a wood, the princess and her frog enjoyed a whirlwind romance, culminating in marriage. The rumours that the frog turned back into a man were not true, but were put about by courtiers attempting to protect the princess from the court priests, whose powers were in the ascendant at the time. The Princess seldom left her chambers after the marriage, but when she did, she was usually green. She died of suffocation, from too liberal an application of green paint over her entire skin. It is now assumed that the frog was a member of the Bufonidae family, and that the princess spent her last months in a hallucinatory state.

5. The red deer stag pictured on the front of the Irish one pound coin (before the currency switched to Euro) was from a herd of deer which roamed freely through Dublin’s Phoenix Park. On the occasion of Lady Gregory’s visit to Dublin for the opening of her play in the Abbey Theatre in 1904, she was taking a stroll through the Phoenix Park when she was accosted by a group of men of ruffianly aspect. The stage snuck up behind them and bellowed, startling the men and giving Lady Gregory time to escape. For this act it was honoured with a place on Irish currency.

It features on this list of infamous pets as research has since revealed that the stag was in fact two soldiers in a deer costume, who were attempting to molest red deer hinds.

6. McCormick’s pig. McCormick was Ireland’s most famous butcher, even supplying the Irish president himself with pork. The pork came from McCormick’s prize pig, which sliced the meat from its own living body. It is infamous because its vaunted power of regeneration came from a steady diet of human children.

7. Gandhi’s elephant. The famous pacifist was forced to give his pet away after it developed the distressing habit of slapping people in the face while its owner was talking to them.

8. Dracula’s bat is responsible for the belief that vampires can turn themselves into bats. Vampires can shrink themselves to the size of a Capuchin monkey’s thumb, but cannot change shape. Dracula devised the strategy of training his bat to sleep hanging off the back of his cape. At the first sign of danger, Dracula would shrink. The bat, woken by the sense of falling, would awaken and fly away, thus creating the illusion that Dracula had “transformed.”

9. Italian dictator Mussolini had a pet brick to which he was greatly attached, and which he named “Litle Benito.” This is the origin of the common saying that if you want a reasonable, intelligent answer you should “ask little Benny,” as it was understood among Mussolini’s entourage that the brick was the more intelligent and well-balanced of the two.

10. The Queen’s swans. It is well known that swans on the Thames belong to the Queen. It is less well-known that each swan represents a year of the Queen’s life. On her birthday the previous year is decanted into a fresh swan in a painful process which the sovereign undergoes with the aim of distributing her quintessential Englishness throughout the country.

The “infamous” swans are the Anni horribilis 1981, 1992 and 1997.

In other news: Tomorrow, Friday the 19th of November, Richard Cheese (“America’s Loudest Lounge Singer”) will be performing his first ever livestream concert! Regardless of what you thought about the rest of the film, there’s no doubt that Richard’s “Viva Las Vegas” was the best bit of Army of the Dead, so you know I’ll be shaking – but not stirring – my booty to Richard Cheese this Friday. Get your tickets here!