Morgan Delaney

Dark, strange and fantastic fiction

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10 Things I Don’t Want On My Doorstep This Halloween

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Made with photos by Daniel Radford and Tim L. Productions on Unsplash

In preparation for Halloween, here’s a useful list of things I don’t want to see on the big day. Did I forget something? Let me know in the comments!

1. A basket with the handwritten note: “Please look after him!” Especially if it’s already bigger than a normal baby, has antennae and is chittering.

2. Boris Johnson. Especially if – as usual – he’s pretending he doesn’t know where he is, or how he got there.

3. A clown in a white and red costume, with bedraggled hair and his back turned to me. Especially if – although his back is turned to me – his head is twisted around to grin at me with black teeth, and he has a red syphilitic hole where his nose should be.

4. A portal to another world. Especially if there is another version of me climbing out, drenched in blood and muttering to himself.

5. A monkey in a trench coat. Especially if he is smoking a cigarette and holding up a photograph of a woman I recognise.

6. A paper bag filled with dog poo and set on fire. Especially if I see my mother running off as I open the door. Especially because I know she doesn’t have a dog.

7. A monkey’s paw with uncurled fingers. Especially if I hear ghostly laughter as I stoop to take a closer look.

8. The rest of the monkey, looking for his paw. Especially if he brought all his friends.

9. A banshee, howling when she sees me. Especially if there is a banshee on all the other doorsteps, all howling together.

10. A salesperson going door-to-door to encourage people to upgrade their Internet package. Especially if I know for a fact that it’s the one I buried last week in my back garden.

In other news this week, you can get the film tie-in version of Adam Neville’s No One Gets Out Alive for 99 British pence on Amazon UK, but only until October 31st, so hurry!

Or top up on nightmare fuel with this year’s entries for the History Center of Olmsted County’s Creepy Doll Contest. And if you understand how these things work you can vote for your favourite (you sicko) on Instagram.

Cheese is also nightmare fuel, but not this brilliant new limited-run t-shirt from Stewart Lee, which features his best-ever cheese joke. Sold!

10 Ways a Leprechaun Will Kill You

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An upside down photo of a woman walking through a very green field
Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

Move with the times, they said. Be more modern, they said. So I did. I am. This week’s post is a list. The internet loves lists!

You’ve messed up the picture, though. Or is that “modern,” too?

It’s upside-down on purpose. To make things seem weird and unsettling.

Do you think I’m going to turn my computer upside down, just so I can look at the picture the right way up?

Well. Just the monitor, perhaps?

Yeah, right!

You could read it on your phone with auto-rotate turned off. But it’s supposed to be upside down.

Read it on my phone? How the hell should I read it on my phone? Do phones have pictures over where you are? Over there in, in, in… in the future? Is it on the telly with the Jetsons you live, is it? Ha!

*Morgan turns to you and winks* Sounds like I’m not the only one who needs to move with the times, eh, reader?

1. Leprechauns are small, but heavy (leprechauns are small because they are heavy). Avoid passing under trees where a leprechaun might be intending to jump onto your back. Leprechauns are really heavy.


2. If you do catch a leprechaun, let him go as quickly as possible. They are radioactive.


3. Do not offer to dance with a leprechaun. Leprechauns love to dance. They will continue to do so, long after you have expired from exhaustion, twirling your battered body until your soul seeps out through the cuts in your skin. The leprechaun will then use it to form a piece of his gold.


4. Never date a leprechaun’s sister, never whistle at a leprechaun’s dog, never cross the road in front of a leprechaun. According to their code of honour, these things are punishable by death. The last thing you see will be a leprechaun sitting on your chest, crushing the life out of you. (Leprechauns are heavy.)


5. Leprechauns are composed of iron. Avoid carrying powerful magnets in densely populated areas.


6. Never use a leprechaun’s gold to bribe a banshee: it’s a con. They are all in it together, and you will only draw attention to yourself.


7. Avoid swimming after a leprechaun has been in the water: they leak and are noxious to humans.


8. Never touch a leprechaun’s hat. Like dogs, leprechauns seldom look up, so he will bite first and ask questions later.


9. Never enter a rainbow. Although they look pretty, you don’t know where it’s been, or who was in it last. Ask the leprechaun to move the pot of gold out of the rainbow before touching it.


10. Do not make love to a leprechaun. Their idea of love differs drastically from yours. (And if it doesn’t: they are very heavy.)

Parable

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The nib of a gold-coloured fountain pen
Photo by MJ S on Unsplash

This week’s piece of flash fiction is a parable about parables! Is that deep and “meta”? Or just plain irritating? You decide!

There were once two parables. One prized honesty, truth and beauty above all things. Her teachings were designed to help those who heard her. The other cared little for principles, much preferring to be comfortable and have the things she wanted. She liked attention and told people what they wanted to hear, so they would listen to her.

One day, while resting in a glade, they saw a handsome young man. The first parable thought his beauty a form of truth and fell in love with him. The second thought that it would be gratifying to have such a handsome creature admire her.

The young man prized truth. He also prized simplicity, which attracted him to lies, which are easier to understand. His friends and colleagues now wondered at the young man, who was suddenly gifted with a silver tongue, able to supply a suitable tale or aphorism for every occasion. And if one tale did not suit his audience, then he had another which would, for both of the parables gifted him with their wisdom to win his admiration. Unfortunately, he was unable to discern which tales came from which parable, and lacked the intelligence to work it out for himself. As a matter of fact, he was not at all aware of the parables’ attention and sometimes found himself wondering what was happening to him, to suddenly know so much.

Nonetheless, he enjoyed how people asked for his opinion, and assumed that he was helping them with his advice, because he was pure of heart. (He was pure of heart, it was just that he was also rather empty of head.) His fame grew to such an extent that he became rich and famous, printing books and t-shirts and posters. And he met a young girl and fell in love with her. She was kind and beautiful, as well as clever. She found it cute that he was so innocent despite his reputation, though sometimes she had to bite her tongue.

The two parables realised they had lost the man for good and hated each other. Each blamed the other for what had happened. The parable which prized beauty believed it was the lies which had sent the young man away on the path to fortune, and the parable which loved comfort and attention believed it was the insistence on truth which caused him to fall in love with the young woman, who was so beautiful and honest.

But, for all they could do for others, the parables were unable to ever decide which of them was which, so they decided to blame the young man and the young girl instead, which was anyway both the truth, as well as being what they wanted to believe.

Did you know I have a brand new book out? And it’s nothing like the story you just read? It’s called The Phoenix and currently (Thursday, the 14th of October 2021. Morning.) the No. 1 download in three separate charts on Amazon? Check it out here!

Exhibit A

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Hi all, last week I promised a very short piece of flash fiction. So here it is. I tried writing a poem a few weeks back and it was really hard, so I wrote a shopping list instead. Enjoy!

A shopping list scribbled on a serviette. The items are: 6 bottles of wine; 2 bottles of vodka; 4 bottles of bleach; bin bags; rubber gloves; a steak knfe; a meat hammer; ear plugs; air freshener; cheap offcuts with bones and dry food for the dog; foot powder; toilet paper, and cigarettes
by Morgan Delaney

If you like this kind of nonsense, then make sure you sign up to my newsletter for more!

Six

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A pile of broken watches
Photo by Heather Zabriskie on Unsplash

Today’s super short piece of flash fiction is all about time. Which is why it’s so short.

On the first day, the sun was a blessing. After a long winter, the sudden heat was welcome.

On the second day, the sun was oppressive. It didn’t used to hang so low in the sky.

On the third day, the sun was hotter still. No one went outside.

On the fourth day, no water came from the taps.

The fourth day became the fourth night, at least according to the clocks. The sun rested on the horizon.

On the fifth day, everyone was silent. Throats were dry, and no one had enough moisture to even sweat.

On the sixth day, the sun swallowed the planet whole.

If you think this story was short, wait until you see next week’s piece. See you then!

Work

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A deflated yellow balloon on the ground
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

This week’s piece of fantastic flash fiction is all about ice-cream, because everyone likes ice-cream. Enjoy!

“Float, please!”

The kid looks young to be making that decision himself, so I look at the mom over the cold metal counter of my ice-cream fridge.

She’s done herself up: make-up; nice jacket, but her face is rigid, lips compressed.

She nods, trying not to cry. I give them both a scoop of ice cream. She says “keep the change,” and they’re off.

The queue stretches around the block, and there’s an eerie sigh as they lift into the air to join the people already up there. Some of my first customers show which way the wind is blowing. There’s a wedge of them heading out towards Blankenfelde.

“Float please,” says the next kid. Another one with a pretty, heartbroken mom. This job can be a downer sometimes, but I’m helping people out for €3 a scoop. It’s usually a death in the family, or the dad has run off. Or the kid has something terminal. Sometimes I get dads, too, but they’re usually by themselves. Literally: that’s why they’ve come for a scoop. Cheering you… up! That’s the slogan. There’s a look on their faces when their feet leave the ground that makes it all worthwhile.

From the sky, there’s a delighted laugh, as two people collide. I hate that. I prefer to think of them as already gone once they lift out of sight. But they’re happy, that’s the main thing. I try to forget about the laugh, the collision, the headlines in the paper. They’re calling it “The Killing Field” outside Blamkenfelde, where the bodies come down again. What do they expect for €3? Nobody floats forever.

Not signed up to my newsletter yet? Well, it’s too late to get the next edition, due out this Saturday. But if you’re quick, you can still be among the first to learn about The Phoenix, and take advantage of a very special offer!