Morgan Delaney

Dark, strange and fantastic fiction

Realism

Own

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Photo by Simran Sood on Unsplash

This week’s flash fiction is great. The bee’s knees, in fact. Or at least the wasp’s work. Enjoy!

Eve collected wasps in an old five-liter water bottle. It hung on the tree next to the fence in their front garden, and she wouldn’t take it down though her parents begged her to. They had to go next door to pick up their post, as the postman, unnerved rather than scared by the trapped wasps, refused delivery.

If you held your hand against the warm plastic on your way past, it felt like the bottle shivered. The hollow buzz was the excited gossip of a distant crowd, punctuated by the *tock* of a wasp bouncing off the surface.

Don’t let Eve catch you touching it, though. She swears better than anyone else in town.

The only time she ever took the bottle down, was to remove the corpse when a wasp died. She’d take the bottle into the house, then hang it straight back up again, afterwards.

She met Alan by catching him touching the bottle, but he didn’t mind her swearing at him.

She told him he’d never get his post delivered again, and he said he hated getting bills anyway.

They moved into a flat with nowhere outside for her to hang the wasp bottle, but we could still hear it thrumming all through town.

Sometimes, you could hear a *tock* like a wasp hitting the side of a plastic bottle. 

The curtains in the windows were white with cartoon daisies, though the flowers had alternating black and yellow petals.

One day, the wasp bottle hung in the kitchen window in front of the curtains. That’s when we knew Alan had grown tired of not getting his post delivered.

If it was me, I’d have been scared of Eve getting pregnant, then presenting me with hundreds of tiny, stinging wasp babies.

She never got any bigger, though, so that couldn’t have been it.

You can’t touch the bottle any more, but Eve doesn’t mind people watching when she fishes the dead wasps out. The swarm clambers like crazy over her skin when she sticks her arm in, but they don’t ever sting.

In other news, there’s a great “buzz” around the latest double issue of Black Static! And for this week only, the ebook version is half-price on Weightless Books. Get it here, now!

Outrageous

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A tiny white alarm clock
Photo by Lukas Blazek on Unsplash

The TV studio lights were too hot. After the interview, there was almost enough sweat on my forehead for it to breach the thickly-caked make-up I was plastered in.

An old man in a brown suit, with huge eyebrows ringing his eyes like glasses stood in the audience to ask the first question.

A girl in a short skirt and blonde hair fanned across her back handed him the microphone and he cleared his throat for a long time into it.

“How did you get this idea?” he asked.

I gave him my usual answer about finding inspiration for my books everywhere.

“No,” he said. He held up a wretched, dog-eared notebook held shut with a black ribbon. “How did you get the idea from here? I haven’t shown it to anyone.”

The audience murmured, and laughed nervously. The old man turned to them for support. “He should at least admit he stole it,” he said, and they started nodding.

“Is this a joke?” I asked The Book Show’s host. The producers had promised me the audience would all be fans, and there would be no difficult questions, but the host stared expectantly for my answer.

“This is outrageous. Have any of you even read my book?” I was ready to storm off, but the crowd’s murmuring grew angry when I stood up. The movement had raised my shirt to uncover my genitals, so I quickly sat down again, pulling at my shirt to cover as much of my lap and pale bare legs as possible.

The crowd didn’t wait for the microphone, but pelted their questions from where they sat.

How come you got to be on the show? Why did yo had  let that woman’s dog be put down? Hadn’t I realised that Mr Powell (my old maths teacher) was close to a nervous breakdown? How could you, how could you, how could you?

In the morning I wrote it all down and pretended it was my story.

And if you subscribe to my newsletter, you’ll be living the dream this Saturday, when the latest edition drops, with your exclusive short story, “Last Chance To See”, and a picture of Manchee the Dog in Kazakhstan!

10 WTF Film Flops.

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A man looks at an art piece in a museum, consisting of three neon question marks.
Made with photos by Pim Chu and Simone Secci on Unsplash

In probably the final Killer List for this year, we take a closer look at the films that no one wanted to see. From next week I’ll be posting my “stories” again. Sorry!

1. Titanic 2. For whatever reason, audiences weren’t interested in this sumptuous sequel in which the ship was raised from the ocean floor, only to sink again on its journey back home. We say: “When you got no plot, you got nothing to lose.”

2. The M&M M&Movie. Whether it was the lacklustre screenplay, or the on-brand, but hard-to-read title, the candy-coated duo were unable to parlay their small screen success into Hollywood m&magic. We say: “Success that melts on your screen, and not in your Cannes.”

3. The first film in the proposed Spielberg Cinematic Universe was also the last. Audiences said a resounding “no” to Schindler’s Duel about a man taking an express elevator to the ground floor of a very tall building while being chased around the elevator by another man on a Segway, whom he has somehow annoyed. We say: “Just… just cut it out, okay?”

4. Shortbeth attempted to update “the Scottish play” for Gen Y with actors ad-libbing whatever random nonsense happened to be passing through their minds, instead of delivering Shakespeare’s original lines. We say: “Is this a bunch of crap I see before me?”

5. After failing to get his party’s nomination to run in the 2024 presidential election, Donald Trump bullied people with loose Hollywood connections until enough of them agreed to help him remake the “definitive” version of Home Alone. Trump had a tiny cameo in the original film, which he claims was all that was left of a “really quite big. Big. Really big. Nice and big. Nice. Big.” role originally. In the new version, fittingly — and unironically — titled Trump Alone, Donald reprises the role originally played by Macaulay Culkin. We say: “You’re what the French call, ‘les incompétents.’”

6. The Godfather IV: The Godson. In this “disaster” movie, Marlon Brando played the roles of godfather and godson. His famous line: “Goo, goo, capiche?” remains the most cited movie quotes of all time. We say: “So, I made the film then asked God for forgiveness.”

7. In Jason Statham’s Phantom of the Opera, the popular hero-next-door actor reprises his usual Mr Nice Guy role before suddenly starting to kidnap girls from his lair under a Paris opera house. The film is most often described simply as “weird.” We say: “You are crying! You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked.”

8. Speaking of weird… Lars von Trier’s new filmmaker’s manifesto requires all films to be made “only by the director, alone, in a locked room. I will mind the keys and let them out when I feel the film is ready.” It has been variously described as “weird,” “the death of Danish cinema” by that country’s Dagblad, and “a really great and funny idea” by Lars von Trier.

9. Moonlighting. As nostalgia for the 80s peaked, the time seemed right for a movie reboot of the popular TV series which starred Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd. The movie bombed as audiences confused Moonlighting with 1987 film Moonstruck, which starred Cher, and were put off by the idea of a film where “Cher” (Bruce Willis) mumbles and wears a wife-beater. We say: “Snap out of it!”

10. The Teletubbies Towering Inferno. The Artists Formerly Known As The Teletubbies (AFKATT) have long since recognised that this film may have been a mistake commercially, but claim to remain grateful to it for helping them to break out of children’s television.

Dipsy is currently making a “dark musical” with James Franco. The other members of the troupe remain on “hiatus.”

Despite the film flopping, it incurred only moderate financial losses for the studio, as it had been filmed in the tower Spielberg had built for Schindler’s Duel. We say: “Time for Tubby bye-bye!”

In other news: there’s a brand-new magazine of short speculative fiction coming!

Verity Holloway is Kickstarting Cloister Fox, and Robert Shearman (among others) has contributed a short story to the first issue :O.

Support it here!

10 Infamous Pets

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Made with photos from Pavel Churiumov and Sonika Agarwal on Unsplash

This week’s killer list is a closer look at the darker side of the human-animal relationship. Enjoy!

1. Caligula’s horse. After being appointed to the Senate, this animal became the first proponent of the theory we now know as “trickle-down economics” before a financial scandal forced him to retire.

2. Van Gogh’s duck. Because the artist was convinced the duck was lucky, he agreed to all of its demands, including the drunken request that Van Gogh pay it the tribute of an ear.

3. Poker ace Derek Barlow’s dogs. After he taught them the basics of poker, Derek became convinced that his dogs were concocting a sinister plan. He photographed and painted them obsessively in order to work out the “code” by which they worked out the details of this plan.

4. The princess’s frog. After meeting in a wood, the princess and her frog enjoyed a whirlwind romance, culminating in marriage. The rumours that the frog turned back into a man were not true, but were put about by courtiers attempting to protect the princess from the court priests, whose powers were in the ascendant at the time. The Princess seldom left her chambers after the marriage, but when she did, she was usually green. She died of suffocation, from too liberal an application of green paint over her entire skin. It is now assumed that the frog was a member of the Bufonidae family, and that the princess spent her last months in a hallucinatory state.

5. The red deer stag pictured on the front of the Irish one pound coin (before the currency switched to Euro) was from a herd of deer which roamed freely through Dublin’s Phoenix Park. On the occasion of Lady Gregory’s visit to Dublin for the opening of her play in the Abbey Theatre in 1904, she was taking a stroll through the Phoenix Park when she was accosted by a group of men of ruffianly aspect. The stage snuck up behind them and bellowed, startling the men and giving Lady Gregory time to escape. For this act it was honoured with a place on Irish currency.

It features on this list of infamous pets as research has since revealed that the stag was in fact two soldiers in a deer costume, who were attempting to molest red deer hinds.

6. McCormick’s pig. McCormick was Ireland’s most famous butcher, even supplying the Irish president himself with pork. The pork came from McCormick’s prize pig, which sliced the meat from its own living body. It is infamous because its vaunted power of regeneration came from a steady diet of human children.

7. Gandhi’s elephant. The famous pacifist was forced to give his pet away after it developed the distressing habit of slapping people in the face while its owner was talking to them.

8. Dracula’s bat is responsible for the belief that vampires can turn themselves into bats. Vampires can shrink themselves to the size of a Capuchin monkey’s thumb, but cannot change shape. Dracula devised the strategy of training his bat to sleep hanging off the back of his cape. At the first sign of danger, Dracula would shrink. The bat, woken by the sense of falling, would awaken and fly away, thus creating the illusion that Dracula had “transformed.”

9. Italian dictator Mussolini had a pet brick to which he was greatly attached, and which he named “Litle Benito.” This is the origin of the common saying that if you want a reasonable, intelligent answer you should “ask little Benny,” as it was understood among Mussolini’s entourage that the brick was the more intelligent and well-balanced of the two.

10. The Queen’s swans. It is well known that swans on the Thames belong to the Queen. It is less well-known that each swan represents a year of the Queen’s life. On her birthday the previous year is decanted into a fresh swan in a painful process which the sovereign undergoes with the aim of distributing her quintessential Englishness throughout the country.

The “infamous” swans are the Anni horribilis 1981, 1992 and 1997.

In other news: Tomorrow, Friday the 19th of November, Richard Cheese (“America’s Loudest Lounge Singer”) will be performing his first ever livestream concert! Regardless of what you thought about the rest of the film, there’s no doubt that Richard’s “Viva Las Vegas” was the best bit of Army of the Dead, so you know I’ll be shaking – but not stirring – my booty to Richard Cheese this Friday. Get your tickets here!

Six

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A pile of broken watches
Photo by Heather Zabriskie on Unsplash

Today’s super short piece of flash fiction is all about time. Which is why it’s so short.

On the first day, the sun was a blessing. After a long winter, the sudden heat was welcome.

On the second day, the sun was oppressive. It didn’t used to hang so low in the sky.

On the third day, the sun was hotter still. No one went outside.

On the fourth day, no water came from the taps.

The fourth day became the fourth night, at least according to the clocks. The sun rested on the horizon.

On the fifth day, everyone was silent. Throats were dry, and no one had enough moisture to even sweat.

On the sixth day, the sun swallowed the planet whole.

If you think this story was short, wait until you see next week’s piece. See you then!

Texture

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Nakagin capsule tower, Chūō-ku, Japan
Photo by Raphael Koh on Unsplash

Another story about a call-centre (you can find the first one here). Enjoy!

The distorted buzzing of the telephone bored into his ear. Around him, the other telephone jockeys were hunched into their cubicles, headphones gripping their heads. He hadn’t made a sale all day, and the boss was watching him.

“Hello?” a granny on the line.

He was only getting grannies today, and they weren’t interested in high-speed ISDN internet, though they’d hum and haw if it kept him on the line. “Good afternoon, ma’am. My name is Ewan. I’m calling to let you know how you can surf even faster—“

“Ewan? My God, how have you been?”

“Fine thanks, ma’am. How are you? Wouldn’t you like to see how fast you can explore the worldwide w—“

“Did your mother tell you to call?”

Senile. Great. Time to hang up and hit redial. “Sorry, ma’am, the line’s not great. I’ll try again later with an amazing deal for y–“

“I’m not going into a home!”

“No, ma’a–“

“I’m sorry, but your mother’s a bitch, Ewan.”

The old woman sounded like his own Grandma. And his mother was a bitch.

“I’m afraid I have to go now.” He needed to make a sale.

“Wait! What’s it like there?”

“It’s fine,” said Ewan. “Nice people, interesting job.” Like Hell. But the supervisor was right behind him, his earphones on, listening in to calls. Best to play it safe and pretended he liked the shitty job.

“I’m glad,” she said. “You were my favourite.”

“Thanks.” Play along and get off the call. “You too.”

“The doctors say it’s inoperable.” She didn’t sound upset, almost proud that her sickness was serious.

“I’m sorry,” said Ewan.

“Not your fault, Ewan. Besides, it’ll be nice to see you again.”

“Sorry?”

“I’m quite looking forward to it. It didn’t hurt when you went, did it? At the very end?”

The sound of the call centre around him had melted into a roar dulled by the faux-leather pads of his headphones. She sounded so much like Grandma.

“No,” he said. “It was fine.”

He wasn’t sure which of them hung up, but the supervisor was staring, so he pressed the redial button and the buzzing in his head started again.

And I’m looking forward to seeing you again next Thursday for another piece of flash fiction!