Kinky Design Crimes

Hi all,

aaaaand I’m back! Here’s a light-hearted piece this week. I’m obviously refreshed after that break. Hope you–

Hang on!

oh god. Yes?

It says ‘Kinky’ up there at the top of the page.

Well? I will not be censored, I am an arti–

So is it durty?

Is it… what?

Durty! Durty! Is it a durty story?

Dirty?

Durty!

Well. A tad suggestive, perhaps.

Lads? Come on, it is durty!

Well, no. What I was attempting to capture was–

Shh! Reading.

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Emil fingered the stubble on his jaw as the lady of the house continued to witter on. She was nervous. Was hoping they’d finish before her husband came back. He wasn’t listening, he never listened to his clients. He knew what they wanted. What they needed.  Something nagged at his subconscious. She was too nervous.

He let the strap of his bag slide through his fingers until his knapsack of tools thumped on the floor. He looked at her, shook his head. No more talking. He pulled out his spirit level, sighting along it from where he stood. Getting a feel for the room.
‘But…’ she started.
Emil shook his head again, twitched aside his jacket so she could see the badge on his belt. He was an Interior Decorator, and this was a crime scene. 

It wasn’t working, he couldn’t feel the room. He stood in front of the window, looked out and suddenly turned back again. To surprise the room. Instead, he surprised Mrs Whats-er-name, whose eyes jumped from his backside, encased in tight jeans. Emil pretended to ignore her, stalking through the room. Trying to get a fix on the starting angle, the genius locus of the room. The clue that would tell him what the room wanted to be. He brushed past her a few times, peeled off his shirt. The room wanted to play hard to get? No problem. He felt the wife’s eyes on his biceps, on his shoulders, but the room wouldn’t talk to him. Time was running out. He had no desire to be caught in flagrante by her husband, any more than she did. Get in, decorate, get out. That was his motto.

‘I think you’d better go,’ she said.
Emil turned in shock. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘This has never happened to me before.’ He knelt over his bag. Her eyes travelled up and down his body. He didn’t understand what was wrong. She wanted him to renovate, but he couldn’t…
He noticed the dust on the floor. This room had been empty for a while. How many other decorators had she lured here? There were his footprints tracing back and forth. Then he saw it. Another line of footprints. Obliterated in the middle of the room where he had crossed and re-crossed. They came from the door and went in a straight line to the wall beside the fireplace. Then disappeared. He straightened up. 
‘My husband will be back any minute,’ she said.
But Emil’s trained eye saw the telltale cracks in the wall. With an easy blow, he opened the secret compartment.
‘The husband, I presume?’ he said.
The man nodded, scared. ‘We didn’t mean any harm,’ he said. ‘We just…’
‘You like to watch,’ said Emil. He tutted. But the secret compartment was what he had needed. He had his inspiration.
He went to the woman. ‘Key,’ he said. 
She handed it to him. He tucked it into his pocket.
‘I’ll be back tomorrow. Same time. I will let myself in.’ He nodded to the secret compartment. ‘I don’t want to see either of you,’ he said and winked.

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Oof! Is it me or is it suddenly hot in here?

This blog post was sponsored by Morgan’s Interior Decorating Services. Contact morgan@morgandelaney.info today for a quote!