Welcome!
I managed to finish “Laura’s Suitcase” (still don’t have a proper title), only to get stuck in another story (working title: “Dirtgod”).
I’ve also eaten a weird but delicious type of Georgian liquid bread that I didn’t catch the name of (I’ll get back to you), and arranged a little something for early next week. Don’t miss it!
Make sure you also fail to miss this week’s story. It’s a funny one to make up for last week’s story, which I gather not everyone enjoyed as much as I did.
Flash Fiction: Happy and Glorious
England smiled, causing a dimple in Wales and another in Belgium (as if anyone cared).
It had bad teeth.
Based on their arrangement, experts estimated the location of the eyes. It was a very human face. Rumours started to spread, forcing the government to block access to the chasm of England’s mouth.
Cars and trains had plunged into it when the mouth opened, ripping roads and railways apart. But now people jumped and drove into it deliberately to get — finally — away from Europe for real.
People said King Arthur lived down there with Winston Churchill and Robin Hood. Elvis Presley was granted mandatory British citizenship, when the prime minister heard his music echoing up England’s throat.
Experts extrapolated the position of the nostrils. Dynamite and big yellow trucks were sent to clear the blockage, lest it be said the king ruled over a mouth breather.
In Wales, people danced naked to the cult of the dimple.
The Leader of the Scottish National Party said that if the mouth was down there, then Scotland must have the brains.
Northern Ireland said that England must have three eyes, because otherwise they would only get a single wonky ear, while the Republic of Ireland dug a trench across the middle of the country—which was all bog, anyway—because they had no face at all.
Immigrants were refused asylum and deported. Then anyone who didn’t look quite English enough, no matter what their passports said, because it wouldn’t do to have foreigners walking on England’s face.
They were shipped off to… well, does it matter?
The poor were given a starter pack of one hundred pairs of blue plastic shoe covers, because they all had pitbulls which shit everywhere, and they certainly stepped in it, rather than walk around it.
Then Richard Littlejohn made a joke in the Daily Mail, a newspaper which was only ever intended as wrapping for fish ‘n’ chips, and people read by mistake.
About where the stuff that the mouth ate must come out.
It so annoyed China that they bombed England’s face in retaliation.
Naturally everyone was very annoyed with China for a while, but it meant they didn’t have to listen to England talking about its face any more.
And as soon as France stopped complaining about the radiation levels, which would surely drop soon by themselves, everything could go back to normal.
In Case You Missed It This Week:
Read!
You can read Dark Matter Magazine’s Special Halloween edition online for FREE this month. Do that here!
Watch!
This short film is not horror, but it does have a monster cat! This is great!
Look!
I’m getting a head start on the cover design for an upcoming project and came across these amazing paintings. What do you think, would you buy a dark fantasy book that looked like this?
Watch!
Remember when the Rubberbandits warned us in 2010 that there was a Horse Outside? (Caution, very sweary link)
Well, it’s finally happened. They’ve come inside. And they don’t speak English, apparently. Horse Inside.
Enjoy!
(Excerpted from my newsletter dated 15th October, 2022. Sign up for the full, up-to-date experience!)
