With the holidays approaching (far too) fast, there’s cheerful bloody music everywhere. This week, I attempted to find refuge with the Devil, who famously has all the best tunes, only to discover that he’s responsible for some absolute stinkers, too.
1. “The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore” by Frankie Valli. Wearing the blue cloak of the Devil’s emissary goat, Azazel, Frankie explains to his victim that the blood sacrifice is necessary so that Satan will continue to allow the sun to shine and the moon to rise. The song enjoyed greater success in the version recorded by The Walker Brothers.
2. “Blue Suede Shoes” by Carl Perkins. Now better known as an Elvis Presley track, this song was originally written and performed by Carl Perkins, who also invokes Azazel with his use of the word “blue,” but goes further, connecting it with “suede,” a common codeword for “human skin” among devil-worshippers. In this song, Perkins informs us that he is happy to suffer any persecution his religious beliefs might bring, as long as his sacrificial victims remain undefiled.
3. “Metal Mickey” by Suede. The band fronted by Brett Anderson put their predilection for slaughtering innocents in Satan’s name right into their moniker. “Metal Mickey” is, of course, the name the singer gave to his ritual knife. Brett is most famous in satanic circles for his cryptic quote: “I don’t care whether my victim is a man or woman, as long as it’s a woman.”
4. “Milkshake” by Kelis. The clue that there is more to this song than a first listen might reveal is the injunction to “warm it up.” Obviously, nobody would ever warm up a milkshake. This must therefore be a reference to the fires of Hell which burn ever brighter as worshippers make their way to “the yard”: the black mass.
5. “Easy Lover” by Philip Bailey. She’ll take your heart when you’re on your knees? Sounds like Satan to me. This 1984 hit, which Bailey sung with Phil Collins, has been praised for its progressive use of the pronouns “she/her” to refer to Satan.
6. “Like A Virgin” by Madonna. In this catchy how-to song for beginners, Madonna explains the Dark Lord’s preference regarding his (or her) victims.
7. “What Is Love” by Haddaway. Trinidadian–German philosopher – and singer – Haddaway uses interrogative, almost epiplectically rhetorical lyrics to force us into confrontation with our beliefs. What, demands Haddaway, has love brought us other than pain? The conclusion, which the song cleverly leaves unformulated in order for the listener to reach it for themselves, is that we might as well try hate for a change.
8. “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X, one of the Church of Cthulhu’s most famous adherents, the song describes how X found his way to the “Old Town” (where Lovecraft’s Old Ones live) through the use of “horse” (heroin).
9. “Hand In My Pocket” by Alanis Morissette. Alanis describes the superficially carefree life of a Satanist, hinting slyly at an undercurrent of simmering resentment as she is forced to perform everyday tasks one-handedly, in other words, unable to give the sign of the horns.
10. “Mull of Kintyre” by Wings. Sometimes referred to as the “fifth Beatle,” Wings only revealed that the song was dedicated to a “close friend,” when he originally released it. I can now confirm that the friend was the Devil. The song’s title is an anagram of “For Inky Mullet,” and Wings wrote it to poke gentle fun at his friend’s poor taste in haircuts and frugal ways, which extended to using cheap substitute for hair dye, when they were young men “on the pull” in Liverpool. Also, it’s got bagpipes in it. Evil.
In other news this week: tomorrow is the final Bandcamp Friday of 2021, with no news yet whether Bandcamp plans to extend the fee-waiving days into 2022. So get your devil-worshipping tunes tomorrow!
I’ll be pre-ordering Zeal & Ardor’s third album, Zeal & Ardor, which already sounds like a strong contender for 2022’s best suck-up-to-Satan music.
I’ll also be pre-ordering Thank’s, [sic, that’s not a typo] Thoughtless Cruelty, an unholy cacophony guaranteed to harrow the souls of any unshriven dead you might have lying around (or at least annoy the neighbours).
