In probably the final Killer List for this year, we take a closer look at the films that no one wanted to see. From next week I’ll be posting my “stories” again. Sorry!
1. Titanic 2. For whatever reason, audiences weren’t interested in this sumptuous sequel in which the ship was raised from the ocean floor, only to sink again on its journey back home. We say: “When you got no plot, you got nothing to lose.”
2. The M&M M&Movie. Whether it was the lacklustre screenplay, or the on-brand, but hard-to-read title, the candy-coated duo were unable to parlay their small screen success into Hollywood m&magic. We say: “Success that melts on your screen, and not in your Cannes.”
3. The first film in the proposed Spielberg Cinematic Universe was also the last. Audiences said a resounding “no” to Schindler’s Duel about a man taking an express elevator to the ground floor of a very tall building while being chased around the elevator by another man on a Segway, whom he has somehow annoyed. We say: “Just… just cut it out, okay?”
4. Shortbeth attempted to update “the Scottish play” for Gen Y with actors ad-libbing whatever random nonsense happened to be passing through their minds, instead of delivering Shakespeare’s original lines. We say: “Is this a bunch of crap I see before me?”
5. After failing to get his party’s nomination to run in the 2024 presidential election, Donald Trump bullied people with loose Hollywood connections until enough of them agreed to help him remake the “definitive” version of Home Alone. Trump had a tiny cameo in the original film, which he claims was all that was left of a “really quite big. Big. Really big. Nice and big. Nice. Big.” role originally. In the new version, fittingly — and unironically — titled Trump Alone, Donald reprises the role originally played by Macaulay Culkin. We say: “You’re what the French call, ‘les incompétents.’”
6. The Godfather IV: The Godson. In this “disaster” movie, Marlon Brando played the roles of godfather and godson. His famous line: “Goo, goo, capiche?” remains the most cited movie quotes of all time. We say: “So, I made the film then asked God for forgiveness.”
7. In Jason Statham’s Phantom of the Opera, the popular hero-next-door actor reprises his usual Mr Nice Guy role before suddenly starting to kidnap girls from his lair under a Paris opera house. The film is most often described simply as “weird.” We say: “You are crying! You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked.”
8. Speaking of weird… Lars von Trier’s new filmmaker’s manifesto requires all films to be made “only by the director, alone, in a locked room. I will mind the keys and let them out when I feel the film is ready.” It has been variously described as “weird,” “the death of Danish cinema” by that country’s Dagblad, and “a really great and funny idea” by Lars von Trier.
9. Moonlighting. As nostalgia for the 80s peaked, the time seemed right for a movie reboot of the popular TV series which starred Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd. The movie bombed as audiences confused Moonlighting with 1987 film Moonstruck, which starred Cher, and were put off by the idea of a film where “Cher” (Bruce Willis) mumbles and wears a wife-beater. We say: “Snap out of it!”
10. The Teletubbies Towering Inferno. The Artists Formerly Known As The Teletubbies (AFKATT) have long since recognised that this film may have been a mistake commercially, but claim to remain grateful to it for helping them to break out of children’s television.
Dipsy is currently making a “dark musical” with James Franco. The other members of the troupe remain on “hiatus.”
Despite the film flopping, it incurred only moderate financial losses for the studio, as it had been filmed in the tower Spielberg had built for Schindler’s Duel. We say: “Time for Tubby bye-bye!”
In other news: there’s a brand-new magazine of short speculative fiction coming!
Verity Holloway is Kickstarting Cloister Fox, and Robert Shearman (among others) has contributed a short story to the first issue :O.
