We’re back from a week in Georgia! The thing about Georgia is the food…or the wine… or the wine and the food. Mmmmmm.
So, inspired by a week’s gluttony, this week’s post is a killer list of things you shouldn’t eat.
As my mother always used to say: just ’cause it looks nice, doesn’t mean you should put it in your mouth!
Bon appetit!
1. The Pharyngeal Trumpet is a tall, annual flowering plant with a vivid yellow trumpet-shaped bloom and creamy white leaves. Its taste is of peppered beetroot, and the leaves are rich in both antioxidants and curcumin.
Unfortunately, they are also rich in the parasitic spores that the plant uses for reproduction.
The fine spores line its host’s throat until an opportunity presents itself—for example, when the throat dries out during sleep—to detach themselves and be inhaled into the lungs. Once there, the plant grows rapidly, expanding and crushing the host’s lungs.
2. Chipmunk spine. Long regarded as a delicacy in parts of Florida, they have since fallen out of favour, as the spine only retains its flavour (milk and earth) as long as the chipmunk is alive.
3. Dog milk. No further explanation required*.
4. Butterfly spice. Butterfly spice is nothing more than prepared and dried butterfly wings. The iridescent “spice” is tasteless and was used rather to sprinkle over dishes for its blue shimmering appearance. The link between consuming butterfly spice and a tendency to elephantiasis and incest is now well established.
5. Le concombre d’escalier. A type of cucumber native to French Polynesia. While it tastes delicious, the taste is impossible to describe afterwards until the person who wanted to know has gone away.
For this reason, it is a leading cause of fatally high blood pressure among frustrated food bloggers and chefs who continue to eat it, determined to have the perfect description ready the next time someone asks.
6. Celery. Their outward resemblance to rippled potato crisps is misleading.
7. Merscale sushi. Highly prized, these rolls consist of pure green-gold fish scale and sushi rice. These days, the fish scale is most likely to have been sourced from battery-farmed merfolk as it is no longer economic to meet the increasing demand any other way.
8. Sugar and spice and everything nice. Bad news for anyone with a sweet tooth, but you are basically eating the raw ingredients of little girls.
Expecting Roe v. Wade to be overthrown, several US states have now drafted trigger laws which will require any woman caught carrying sugar or spice on her person to continue carrying it, until such time as it is capable of looking after itself.
9. Raw fish of any kind. Scientists still don’t know where human dreams “go” after being experienced, but evidence continues to mount that fish store theirs in adipose pockets in their flesh. Cooking dissolves this fatty residue. Eating fish raw means the dream is ingested too.
A sure sign that you are consuming too much raw fish is a dream where you need to do something or go somewhere, but cannot move faster no matter how hard you try, as if wading through molasses.
This is caused by the disconnect between your subconscious mind, which accepts that the dreamer is “still” underwater, and the conscious mind, which expects the dreamer to move at its usual pace.
10. Teeth. Although mustard and curry powders are no longer made with teeth, trace elements can still be found in factories with older equipment. The teeth of anorexics were long preferred for these and other yellow spices, because of the discolouring effect of stomach acid on them.
The recent photos from Catalan of the victim of internal biting provide a graphic reminder of the effects of consuming too much ground teeth.
*On the off-chance that you do require further explanation, here’s a relevant clip from Red Dwarf.
Meanwhile, the rest of us will be bouncing along to new ska punk by Random Hand and new Deutschpunk by Joseph Boys.
Newsletter subscribers can expect to get some exclusive deep cuts about life in Kazakhstan on Saturday, I’ll see the rest of you on Thursday!
