In preparation for Halloween, here’s a useful list of things I don’t want to see on the big day. Did I forget something? Let me know in the comments!
1. A basket with the handwritten note: “Please look after him!” Especially if it’s already bigger than a normal baby, has antennae and is chittering.
2. Boris Johnson. Especially if – as usual – he’s pretending he doesn’t know where he is, or how he got there.
3. A clown in a white and red costume, with bedraggled hair and his back turned to me. Especially if – although his back is turned to me – his head is twisted around to grin at me with black teeth, and he has a red syphilitic hole where his nose should be.
4. A portal to another world. Especially if there is another version of me climbing out, drenched in blood and muttering to himself.
5. A monkey in a trench coat. Especially if he is smoking a cigarette and holding up a photograph of a woman I recognise.
6. A paper bag filled with dog poo and set on fire. Especially if I see my mother running off as I open the door. Especially because I know she doesn’t have a dog.
7. A monkey’s paw with uncurled fingers. Especially if I hear ghostly laughter as I stoop to take a closer look.
8. The rest of the monkey, looking for his paw. Especially if he brought all his friends.
9. A banshee, howling when she sees me. Especially if there is a banshee on all the other doorsteps, all howling together.
10. A salesperson going door-to-door to encourage people to upgrade their Internet package. Especially if I know for a fact that it’s the one I buried last week in my back garden.
In other news this week, you can get the film tie-in version of Adam Neville’s No One Gets Out Alive for 99 British pence on Amazon UK, but only until October 31st, so hurry!
Or top up on nightmare fuel with this year’s entries for the History Center of Olmsted County’s Creepy Doll Contest. And if you understand how these things work you can vote for your favourite (you sicko) on Instagram.
Cheese is also nightmare fuel, but not this brilliant new limited-run t-shirt from Stewart Lee, which features his best-ever cheese joke. Sold!
