We’ve had a grim couple of years, what with Boris Johnson’s ongoing Billy Bunter impression, then Covid, followed by Putain’s bloody, bungled war.
But things aren’t all bad.
And I can prove it with this week’s Killer List: 10 kinds of accident, once common, now practically extinct!
In chronological order!
(And a special offer at the bottom of the post.)
Enjoy!
1. (11th century, England) Rioting caused by gallant knights.
The knights’ paths have crossed in the middle of the village’s main thoroughfare (there is only one thoroughfare, so it is the main one). They are now stuck, as neither will move first, as both wish to prove that they are more gallant than the other.
The village’s peasants are unconstrained by the knight’s code and after several days of this mediaeval gridlock, they are also starving and dozens die in the ensuing riot.
(The knights have snacks in their saddle-bags.)
Once the riff-raff are dead, the king commissions a statue to the “perfect knights.”
2. (late 13th century, England) Being miraculously cured of leprosy by a travelling monk then dying of peritonitis, knocking over a display of oranges as you fall, because it was your appendix and not your leprosy you required help with. (There’s a reason some of these monks are forced to travel. Always ask to see references.)
3. (14th century, Europe) Getting into a fender-bender when the cart in front of you suddenly stops to watch a barrow of mostly dead bodies be dumped into a plague pit at the side of the road.
4. (15th century, Europe) Being crushed to death by a maddened horse fleeing the foul odour of its rider. The rider believes that a good stench keeps the demons of ill-health away, and the horse can no longer bear the thought of having the filthy, stinking man sitting on its back.
5. (16th century, England) Being brained by a loaded bedpan on a frosty morning as it slips out of the emptier’s hand onto your head as you pass underneath the window they are attempting to empty it from.
6. (16th century, France) Being burnt alive as you attempt to walk home from the pub. The court jester was trying out some edgy political stuff for his routine for which the king set him on fire. The fire quickly spread, destroying the entire village.
7. (Early 17th century, Germany) Sudden death caused by spontaneous lynching when you are overheard on a street corner musing whether to “poppe over to gette some Milke”, having forgotten that it is a Sunday. Only witches buy milk on a Sunday.
Milk from the Devil’s bottom, probably.
8. (17th century, America) Whistling and then being stoned to death for having “lippes possess’d bye Thee Deville”.
9. (18th century, Europe) A massive traffic pile-up caused by a gust of wind which blows the white face powder worn by fashionable lords and ladies across the street, blinding everyone.
10. (late 19th century, America) Your train being derailed because a moustache-twirling scoundrel has tied a lady to the tracks to convince her she should marry him.
(The thinking behind this type of situation still exists, but everyone has beards these days*. They are harder to twirl.)
Paul Tremblay’s Disappearance at Devil’s Rock is available for $1.99 for a limited time only, so grab it quickly!
I’ve included the link to HarperCollins, you can navigate to your preferred ebook store from the links down the right-hand side of the page there.
(I went to Kobo and grabbed Jonathan Sims Thirteen Storeys for $2.99 and Ryan Leslie’s The Between for $0.99 while I was there.)
*Everyone has beards?
That’s right.
We’re pretty sure that’s not true.
I said “everyone” and I meant everyone. You have beards.
That’s true. A repellent sound like young chickens being softly plucked can be heard as thickly curled beards are fingered covetously. But you don’t—
Look! A single-origin Latte Crappacini!
Where? Where?
